pitiless bass pressure

are you fucking kidding me w/ this!?

2008-06-23T00:30:00.002-07:00

well, goddamn it.

my hands literally hit my face in disbelief when i heard this on the radio a minute ago.

seriously. jesus christ.

nicely done

2008-06-09T11:54:00.002-07:00

his holiness, el jobso (the honorable, the beneficent), has unleashed the new iphone upon us and i have to say, i'm impressed. i never really wanted iphone 1.0, as i've never been big on phones and i was more taken w/ the ipod touch, but iphone 2.0 looks very promising. seems apple really listened to the gripes people were making about the old phone and stepped up operations. so let's make a little rundown:

3G
SDK and tons of third-party apps
GPS
yes, games
supposedly much more efficient battery life
supposedly 36% faster page loads
24 hours of audio playback
5 hours of 3G talk
7 hours of video playback

and, best of all, way fucking cheaper than iphone 1.0. $200(!) for the 8GB model and $300 for the white 16GB model. the latter isn't too painful and much better than the $500 fucking pricetag for the first phone.

things we learned in the fire

2008-06-09T10:15:00.005-07:00

so what did the race between hillz and bamz show us? what did we learn?

1. the american left really is as petty and vindictive as conservatives have been saying it is
2. there is, for myriad reasons, an extraordinary amount of hostility and resentment between white american feminists and minorities
3. political ideologues will, in fact, cut off their noses to spite their faces

three things i've always sort of suspected and now i have google cache upon google cache of evidence to back up, should i ever feel the need to point it out. but hey, just look up salon, jezebel, huffington post, daily kos, etc. and amuse/repulse/see for yourself.

FUCKED

2008-06-06T21:36:00.003-07:00

break out a fiddle cuz we're fucked.

i fucking knew it

2008-06-04T21:31:00.005-07:00

jesus christ, some people will just never learn, will they? that dusty dinosaur, erica jong, is at it again w/ her whole "you're just sexist" cant. gee, it was only a few weeks ago that she penned a weak-ass, bullshit fucking call for unity amongst the fractured left. so what's she blubbering about now? what do you think? that's right: any and everyone who didn't support hillary clinton is sexist. i wasn't aware i was sexist, but shit goddamn it, i'm kind of sick and fucking tired of being thought of as such because i happen to disagree w/ senator clinton's track record. is that allowed? evidently not. you see, because it's impossible to disagree w/ senator clinton on anything-- her vote for the war, her attitue toward iran and the kyle-lieberman bill, the scores of jobs lost in new york because of her, etc-- because, you see, when you examine it, disagreeing w/ her is really about your hatred of women. is that right? guess i hate women, then. somebody call the fucking thought police on my thuggish, half-black, women-hating ass. iz jus votin for barack because wez niggras are plottin' to take ova, pop some caps, and pimp some hoes. QFT, playa!

please, erica jong is the harry belafonte of feminism. is this what it's come to? also, i love all the bullshit at bullshit sites like jezebel where the commentards always go "listen, i don't want to play oppression olympics or anything . . . " and then go on to do exactly that. way to be insightful. how's that cognitive dissonance treating you at night? all right, so sexism wins the dick-sizing contest: it's much worse for women than it is for darkies. i get it. it's so obvious now, what, w/ him getting the nomination. your worst fears have been confirmed. now what? secession? move to vermont, form a new nation and elect senator clinton as pontifex maximus. then declare war on all perceived sexists-- after all, they're evil.

go bamz

2008-06-03T22:08:00.006-07:00

you did it, dude. please don't turn into another asshole politician. you've made something of a believer out of this apathetic 27-year-old.

sincerely,
your supporter, aaron G

p.s., i think it'd behoove you to have hillz as your running mate, just because it'd be kind of (and by "kind of" i mean totally) fun to watch all of her supporters who've dissed you from the outset eat their own political shit. just sayin'.

p.p.s. um, that's just my jaded way of saying it'd be good for uniting the party and all that.

"but i LIKE pointing my finger!"

2008-06-03T21:13:00.006-07:00

why are blogutards having such conniptions over tatum o'neal's lame excuse to the cops when she got busted w/ crack? what, have they never given lame excuses when they've gotten into trouble for something? oh, that's right-- of course not. blogutards don't make mistakes; how silly of me.

is this whole gossip blogging thing dead yet? i mean, i don't have a fucking clue what paris hilton is up to these days; i haven't heard about her in months. i admit i'm pretty much over the incessant finger wagging and armchair moralizing that goes on in the blogutard blogosphere. all of these anonymous people pointing fingers and condemning everyone's every move is just-- ugh. okay, i get it: hollywood is "weird," lindsay lohan is a "skank," tom cruise is a "freak," george clooney is "gay" and that's his "beard," and, OMG, is that a baby bump!? blah blah blah blah-- jesus christ, it's the same fucking shit every fucking day.

but back to tatum o'neal. so she made a lame excuse when she got pinched. i probably would've done the same thing. so fucking what? getting arrested is a jarring experience and the mind works in weird ways when jarred. it's been kind of frustrating to read all the busy body commenters in the various blogs having moral outrages over this, as if they've never done anything stupid. but so it goes w/ blogutards. the whole phenomenon of blogging, commenting, youtube, and web 2.0 in general is a prime example of how human behavior is rarely, if ever, logical. especially in groups.

dear santogold:

2008-06-03T21:05:00.001-07:00

from nymag:

. . . and though it’s very possible you might not even know her name, you may be familiar with her work. She’s written tracks for Ashlee Simpson; had her music piped over scenes in Grey’s Anatomy; and done commercials for Bud Light Lime and Converse (that one was with Julian Casablancas of the Strokes). And when she spoke to me, she said she might do a project with Ford (a deal her publicist later said never materialized). It’s the kind of market-savvy, Me-generation career trajectory that would likely make anyone who still frequents record stores recoil in disgust—and White couldn’t care less.
“It’s a little weird, but at the same time, let’s say I make a deal with Target—knowing how many people shop at Target? It’s not like I’m writing a song about Target. It’s more like—Target’s onboard to help me sell records? That’s great.”

And as she points out, it’s just the way the industry works these days. “Everybody wants you to sell a lot of records, but it’s not considered a failure if you don’t. The record labels know that most of the money nowadays is made in licensing. On MTV, their whole approach is to put your songs in their programming now—they’re even [looking into] some new technology, like TiVo, that will record the music played on a show and then give you the option to purchase it. So where before it might have been, ‘Oh, you’re gonna sell out?,’ now it’s how we make our money.”

hypothetically speaking, if i illegally downloaded music, i would feel zero guilt about downloading yours. zero. you've cleared my conscience. hypothetically speaking, of course; if i did that sort of thing. because, really, how much would my $9.99 through itunes mean to you when compared to that fat check you got from target or from nike or abc? yeah, not a lot whole lot.

just something to think about.

dear sarah larson:

2008-06-03T17:41:00.004-07:00

hi.

i know (sort of) what you're going through. i, too, was once dumped. an ex literally wrote me a letter and handed it over and was like, "um, yeah, so it's been nice" and then, not even a week later, she and all her (and some of mine) stuff were gone. no idea that one was coming, but in hindsight, i should've seen it hurtling toward me. i know you're reeling and you're probably thinking he'll see the error of his ways, but i'm sorry to say, he probably won't. my ex was married within, like, six months of us breaking up and your situation involves george clooney and, well, what else needs to be said about that, right?

listen, his name is george. he's old. that's an old guy's name. your last name would've rhymed w/ "gooney"-- you don't want that. i know, i know-- the $$$. the fame. the sojourns to st. tropez. it's still doable. but not w/ him, he's old. wouldn't you rather have a young man? and really, he's not talented. truly, he's not. he plays himself in every role. that's not exciting! anyone can do that. take little old me, for example. i'm talented. and i'm young-- two years your junior. i have time yet to accrue resources and i will do it w/ my skills and my charm. you're a stunningly gorgeous woman and according to this infamous pictures of you, you're fun! i'm fun, too. and young and charming and talented and handsome. i'm no george clooney, but you have to be wary of guys like him. women throw themselves at him and you know that sooner or later he's going to yield. i wouldn't cheat on you. you're so cute-- how could i? unless you're really dumb, then, sorry, but that's a dealbreaker. you don't seem dumb to me, though. yeah, he's famous and a movie star, but clearly a loser. and i think we all know who george is really in love with.

useful idiot

2008-06-01T11:13:00.004-07:00

so, some tool who works for hp posted a picture of himself cutting birthday cake w/ a macbook air he received as a gift (oh, i'm sorry, "gift"). i guess he wanted to show how ridiculous the macbook air is by being able to cut cake w/ it? that's what his intent was, i'm sure, and i'm sure he thinks he's majorly cool or something because of it. however, reality paints a different picture. what this really shows is that 1. apple did exactly what it set out to do in creating an extremely thin, lightweight notebook. it is so thin and lightweight, in fact, that it can be used to cut cake. and 2. this tool, rahul sood, is such a privileged, spoiled douche that he's able to waste a $1,800 notebook computer-- a computer that scores of people would love to have, but would take months of work to be able to acquire-- within minutes of receiving it.

nice. you're smooth, dude. a winner.

you sicken me w/ your geekery

2008-05-27T16:55:00.003-07:00

the batman-on-film crowd is going to have a premiere party for the dark knight and i'm kind of bummed b/c it's going to be in a suburb of houston. namely, tomball (what happens in tomball stays in tomball! sorry, that's a lame inside joke), which is a nw suburb of houston. i may or may not have mentioned that i lived in houston last year (came back to california in late july) and so it stings a little that i'm going to miss this. the BOF crew has been in cahoots w/ warner's since batman begins, and probably before then, so there will most likely be cool merchandise to purchase at the party. plus, it'd just be cool to see the movie w/ a bunch of die-hards. but, i am going to see the dark knight w/ my brother and some friends premiere night in l.a., hopefully at grauman's chinese, so i can't exactly gripe about that, now can i? we'll leave o.c. thursday afternoon, scope out the theatre and see what the sitch is. i'm sort of concerned that there will be an extensive line at that point, but who knows? then we'll see it at the premiere and then we're definitely going to see it again that friday and most likely again at some point over the weekend. fucking stoked.

JOKER FTW

it just gets better

2008-05-27T08:07:00.002-07:00

and by "better" i mean "laughably worse." some of the anti-psych folks over at furious seasons are casting a hairy eyeball toward, wait for it, meditation. that's right-- meditation. click on the link and have a gander for yourself. as always, the comments are where it's at.

i mean, honestly.

swear to christ this isn't just another lame youtube vid

2008-05-26T17:44:00.001-07:00

this is, instead, the video for lali puna's "faking the books," one of the coolest videos ever.

for the love of god, sign me up

2008-05-25T19:20:00.003-07:00

oh noes, evil psychiatrists (redundant, right?) are running clandestine lab experiments on unsuspecting people to see if illegal drugs like mdma and lysergic acid diethylamide (known on the streets as "acid") can help w/ mental disorders. well, fuck me sideways. this is just another example of psychiatrists telling their clients that popping a pill will solve their problems. what will the anti-psych community think!? drugs are, like, sooooo bad for you! and these ones are illegal! they're toxic. ALL drugs are toxic! T-O-X-I-C. nobody says they wanna be a junkie when they grow up. besides, why use drugs when you can get high on life and, like, go for a run? running is so much funner and not to mention it's healthy and positive.

all right, enough of that. even i can't maintain that level of sarcasm for too long.

sooooooooooooo, saw kingdom of the crystal lulz on thursday . . .

2008-05-25T15:08:00.009-07:00

and, um, yeah.

er. wow.

at least temple of doom will now be regarded as the second-worst of the series. also, temple's got that heart-extracting scene that sort of makes up for its deficits. but this one? well, this one's got . . . um . . . it's got . . . uhhh . . . cate blanchett looking rather hot and sexy in her tight soviet outfit and snazzy anna wintour-esque page-boy haircut.

and.

um.

well . . .

a lot of people worked on it? it gave a lot of people a big gig to work on. so that's good for the economy. oh, if you love awful cgi (wait, is that redundant?), then you will absolutely love indiana jones and the kingdom yadda yadda. and if you thought the horrid cornball/cheese/shit/retard factor of the star wars prequels got a bad rap, you will totally love indy 4. gratingly cute, soon-to-be-infamous monkey scene? check. wholly improbable sword fighting that takes place on speeding automobiles? check. cloying references to the previous installments? check. car-motorcycle chase scene that could've been cool but instead just has to be cute? check. h o r r i d lucas-like dialogue? without a fucking doubt, pal.

how hard can it fucking be, lucas? how fucking hard? you had a wildly successful, established franchise that you chose to revisit and you could've made something awesome w/ a rabidly devoted fanbase, but no. no. and listen, i'm not even a big indiana jones fan. they're fun movies, sure, but i don't own any of the movies and i wasn't at all champing at the bit for this to come out and even i feel burned by this. i just don't understand it and the only reason i can accept is that lucas, you are middle-aged, you are extremely wealthy, and thus you have nothing to prove anymore. creativity is a young man's game and by most people's standards, you lost the plot decades ago but frankly, as far as i'm concerned, you never had it begin with. stop writing and start producing exclusively. you're a money man and you see the world in numbers. emotions don't factor into your view of the world, which is why any attempts at emotion in your movies come off as embarrassingly garish and grotesque. leave the attempts at art to the artists. hell, leave the attempts at entertainment to the entertainers.

unsolicited advice for the day

2008-05-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

never drunk-dial your therapist.

lori drew indicted and a victory for teh gayz

2008-05-15T19:24:00.002-07:00

fucking fry, bitch.

in more positive news, my glorious home state as finally overturned that ludicrous ban on queer marriage. now teh cali. gayz can be bound in misery like us heteros.

dear antipsychiatry community:

2008-05-15T17:04:00.006-07:00

my therapist, my case worker, and my psychiatrist all want me to go to rehab.

am i in rehab? no.
am i going to rehab? no.
have i been forced into rehab? no.
have i been coerced into rehab? no.
have i been subtly encouraged to go into rehab? no.
would that sort of thing work on me? evidently, no.
why am i not going to rehab? i don't want to.

in january of this year, i was almost brought into a psych. ward as a 5150. notice how i said almost. why wasn't i, ultimately? because i didn't want to go and i more or less hustled my way out of it. what were the circumstances leading up to this? during a session w/ my therapist, i was in a mixed state where i expressed suicidal ideation, was incredibly agitated and confrontational (almost picked a fight w/ one of the cops), and my therapist, concerned, told her supervisor, who in turn told the director of the clinic, who in turn called the police. i was questioned, searched, detained for about two hours, and yet i still didn't end up going to the psych. ward. why do you think that is?

you see, antipsychiatry community, i'm going to use your own libertarian logic to make my point here. when it comes to mental illness (would you feel better if i scare-quoted that?) or, "extreme states of mind" as some of you put it, after the general scoffs and mockery have subsided, you tell people to pony up and stop relying on psychiatry and medication to "cure" their problems. in other words, "take responsibility!" (by the way, this "the meds don't cure, so you shouldn't rely on them" fallacy is quite common, but the premise doesn't hold: no psychiatrist or therapist worth his or her salt is going to say that medication is a panacea; in some instances, medication, in combination w/ psychotherapy, has been shown to be most effective in treating some instances of mental illness.) curiously, this logic is never applied to the victims of psychiatry-- no, it's always the psychiatrist's, the therapist's the medication's, etc. fault. however, as illustrated above, everyone's experience isn't the same. and if you really dislike the care you're receiving, then leave. cut it loose. last week, when i was getting lectured at by my jackhole caseworker about using and drinking, i simply fucking walked out. done and done. it was that easy. of course, if you're on medication and it's fucking you up, quitting isn't nearly as simple, but this is why it's imperative that you research whatever drug you decide to take. it's a given that your psychiatrist is going to hustle you, so it's paramount that you, er, "take responsibility!" and thoroughly research whatever medication you're prescribed. and if you don't want to take any medication, then don't. i'm sorry, but who's forcing you to? yes, some therapists will not conduct sessions w/ you if you're manic or in a mixed state or psychotic, and may thus require you to take a mood stabilizer, but can you blame them? how is it possible to talk to someone if they're not paying attention to anything you're saying? or if they're constantly argumentative and confrontational or all around difficult? i'm surprised my therapist never transferred me to someone else because i've given her a lot of shit and she's had to put up w/ a lot of shenanigans from me, but she's still there. and she told me she never once even considered transferring me to someone else. that's a testament to her commitment and to her professionalism-- the least i could do is meet her half way.

if you've been fucked over by a mental health professional, i fucking feel for you. seriously. i've been there. and if that professional has a history of abusing clients, he should lose his license fucking yesterday. but to brand all mental health professionals as malevolent is grossly unfair to those who do what they do because they truly give a shit. and to claim that mental illness isn't real is severely irresponsible. think about it. who really wants to enforce the concept of "normalcy"? who first told you there was something "wrong" w/ you? was it a psychiatrist? i'm willing to bet that it wasn't. i'm willing to bet that, if you really thought about it, it was probably a family member or a friend who first said this to you. the truth is, psychiatry exists because society has a vested interest in a standard of behavior and expects its inhabitants to conform to that standard. demonizing psychiatry without looking at the bigger picture will not get to the source of the problem. it's like complaining about how immoral or shallow or "weird" hollywood is while completely ignoring the fact that hollywood is in business because people like you and me line its coffers. no doubt there are shit psychiatrists and there's little doubt that many of them are in the pocket of "big pharma," but the concepts of mental illness, normalcy, etc. exist because we as a society want them to. so the next time you feel like pinning the whole of the world's problems on someone, spread the wealth a little and consider your friends, your family, your neighbors-- any and everyone who has a vested interested in keeping you in line. and while you're at it, why don't you consider how you expect people to conform to certain standards of your own, as well.

this is all i can muster at this point, or, ENOUGH w/ the hillz vs. bamz tomfoolery already

2008-05-14T15:52:00.004-07:00

american liberals fucking suck elk sperm. you know it, i know it-- why deny it anymore?

most people would consider me a very strong liberal (agnostic/atheist, ex-vegan, public transportation/bike user, pro-choice, pro queers doing whatever, pro universal health care, anti-free market doing whatever the fuck it wants, blah blah blah), and i'm going to vote and all that, but seriously, at this point i steadfastly refuse to align myself w/ any political party, particularly the democratic party. jesus fucking christ, you know you're pathetic when everything rush fucking limbaugh says about you turns out to be true.

the right must be lapping every moment of this up. way to go, liberals, you're fucking awesome.

what is the most overrated thing in the world?

2008-05-11T12:26:00.004-07:00

god, i hate sleep. i was operating on about 5 hours of sleep total from thursday morning till last night-- and i was fine. i only slept for about an hour-and-a-half thursday night (and that was b/c i got drunk and passed out, but woke up due to a weird dream and decided to stay awake), then slept for an hour or so during the day friday, and managed to get a couple hours sleep in various short spurts on saturday morning. i was sharp, quick, sociable, energized, and generally in a good mood. but last night it all caught up to me and whilst watching the labeouf crash and burn on snl i passed the fuck out. i woke up several times, but probably got 5 or 6 hours of sleep and now i feel like shit: groggy, lazy, and like i can't fully wake up. this always happens when i get more than two hours sleep at a time. sure, my brain was starting to wig out a little yesterday afternoon and evening and i was beginning to depersonalize off and on, but that stuff can be fun if you're in a good mood. and i usually am in a good mood when i don't sleep. it may sound counterintuitive, but the less i sleep, the more energized, excitable, clever, and "fun" i feel.

when i was living w/ my exes, i used to slightly resent them for being able to sleep as easily and soundly as they did, but now, honestly, sleep just seems like a waste of time. 30 mins. to an hour, two hours, tops, and i'm good to go. anything more than that is just pointless.

donnie darko 2: s. darko (daily lulz)

2008-05-09T21:15:00.003-07:00

oh boy. yes, that's right: everyone's favorite overrated indie flick of yore has scored itself a sequel. donnie darko 2: s. darko will showcase the travails of donnie's young sister samantha darko, whilst she traipses 'cross the country on a road trip to l.a. and "experiences visions."

could i even make this up?

insert lame joke about doubting one's commitment to sparkle motion here. hey, wasn't seth rogen in donnie darko? he was that vanilla ice-style bad kid's friend. just for the fun of it: a director on the same level of suck as richard kelly: darren aronofsky.

i liked donnie darko when i, along w/ ten other people, saw it in the theatre during its initial run, but the more i watched it on dvd the more it became obvious the movie presaged the age of lost: psuedoprofundity in the worst way. it's the sort of movie where people ask if you "get" it, but there's nothing to "get." it's the sort of movie that allows people to feel really smart, which is one of the reasons why i find this sequel-- and its attendant outrage-- so goddamn hilarious. richard kelly is a hack who lucked out and was able to pull the wool over a lot of people's eyes. good for him. tragically, though, his luck ran out w/ the toilet bomb that was southland tales (one of the dumbest names of any movie in the history of the medium; does this not make you think of duck tales?), so that sucks for him. supposedly, though, kelly has zero involvement w/ s. darko (omg, that name!) and maybe this non-involvement will do something for his credibility. at this point, he can only go up, right?

so what other movies could benefit from a "sequelizing"? here are a few nominations:

memento 2: it's all coming back: there's just a wealth of potential here, as leonard, forever locked into a groundhog day-style groove, keeps picking persons to pin his wife's murder on. but methinks the sequel should take place in nashvegas, where leonard has secured work as a music production studio gofer, eventually falling in w/ a bad bunch of strung-out country musicians.

no country for old men 2: friendos till the endo: this one will pick up right where the first left off, a la karate kid, pt. II. anton, hobbling and bloodied from his accident, will murder and thieve his way to corpus christi where he'll meet a pretty lil' lady and get suckered into accompanying her to church (damn that vagina!). there, he'll undergo a crisis of faith and question his bloodthristy ways till he realizes, shit, god is a murderous freak, too, and if merely being clean is next to godliness then this whole murderin' thing ain't so bad after all. seeing the tightness of his logic, his gf (played by amy adams) now accompanies him and the two embark on a mickey-n-mallory-style cross country rampage.

once: twice: our indie sweethearts, Guy and Girl, will reunite in paris one fateful weekend and finally consummate their intensely intimate relationship. but soon, real life sets in and, to pay the bills, Girl takes on a pop tart persona whilst Guy grudgingly crafts formulaic pop tunes. the stress of selling out, and the subsequent fame, takes its toll and both begin to stray, only to realize, finally, their undying love and lust for each other. the film culminates at the grammys, where Guy and Girl win a grammy for their comeback album, only to have Girl rudely interrupted when trying to give her acceptance speech. what-evs!

speed II: cruise control: forget keanu-- let us focus on sandy b. but this time, she'll be on a boat and i'm thinking jason patric and-- wait, what? for reals? jesus christ.

whither bees?

2008-05-07T10:11:00.002-07:00

every day on my bike ride i notice something: an astonishing number of dead bees on the sidewalk. i used to think it was a very localized phenomenon, but i've started to notice this nearly everywhere i go. so, sure, it could be something w/ the hives in orange county, but this cnn article about bee mortality is, as the article itself states, "grim."

joker ftfw

2008-05-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

the new dark knight trailer is officially online.

here it is on teh youtubes:

“Is that God up there?”

2008-05-01T08:46:00.002-07:00

i'm usually not one for the death penalty, but really, why not just kill him? i mean, he's old-- why waste money imprisoning him? glean as much information and motivation from him as possible, do some brain imaging, and then just beat him to death.

whither coachella pig!? (daily lulz?)

2008-04-29T07:51:00.012-07:00

a grafitti-laden pig blimp pimping obama (snap! call a friend right now and say that to them frantically) hovering the environs during roger waters' set at coachella has been loosed and is currently who the fuck knows where. a hefty $10,000 reward has been issued for the person or persons who return coachella pig to his/her rightful creators. but you know what i say? let coachella pig fly free.

watch the video of coachella pig break the cycle and break free from hipster amusement and sail toward the heavens. also, this video is fucking hilarious.

this will probably die within minutes

2008-04-28T21:38:00.003-07:00

but here's a shoddy bootleg upload of the new dark knight trailer that won't officially be out till this weekend.

is it wrong that i truly want joker to win?

don't say i never done nothing for you.

daily lulz (omfg wtf edition)

2008-04-28T13:59:00.002-07:00

i swear to you, this is honestly, the most heinously retarded thing i have e v e r seen.

ever.

and yes, i'm posting this b/c i hate women.

prince at coachella

2008-04-27T21:32:00.002-07:00

"creep" cover.

"little red corvette"

B-B-B-BUT WHAT ABOUT THE POLAR BEAR!?

2008-04-27T20:03:00.002-07:00

my brother is really into lost and he's always asking me if i've been watching it and my answer is always the same; "dude, that show is fucking retarded." am i wrong? i've seen the first season and i've watched part of the second, and while i thought the first season had its moments, at some point i couldn't fight my suspicion that the writers of the show are utterly pulling dingleberries out of their asses. and how right i was in my suspicions. you know it's true. it's not even a show i can watch for the sheer sake of hating-- it's just too pretentious. this is what kills me about people saying that art is pretentious; sorry, but there are fewer things more pretentious than the overwrought melodramatic morass that is lost. but lost is a good example of how pop culture phenomena can be just as overly serious and dreadfully self-important as any art studies thesis. i mean, the fucking seriousness of it all. do any of these people smile or laugh? i know, i know-- it's all life or death, constantly. every fucking minute. jack, w/ his serious stubble, sawyer w/ his serious stubble and badboy swagger, kate w/ her serious badgirl vacillating between the serious hero and the serious anti-hero. and, then, of course my favorite: locke. so much for subtlety, right dear writers? what as-yet-unveiled "other" villain waits in the wings? a 6'7 demigod named freddy n. who bloviates about being "beyond good and evil"?

what really cheeses me about lost, though, is that it's a textbook example of pseudo-profundity. see, this is why i would choose to watch a michael bay movie over lost, b/c michael bay makes no artistic or philosophical pretense about what he does. he makes movies about blowing shit up and makes those movies look good technically. if you think transformers "raped your childhood," 1., you're an idiot, 2., you're an idiot, and 3., you're a fucking moron. transformers is a fucking cartoon about transforming alien cars-- what did you expect the cinematic adaptation to be? is this, truly, what we've become? face it: you hated the movie and you hate michael bay b/c he reveals the truth about your childhood: that it was a cheap commodity filled w/ cheap, commidified memories that could be exploited by someone like michael bay. don't hate the mirror, hate the reflection. but i'm being tangential. back to lost. the thing w/ lost is that there is so much hype surrounding it and you expect it to sort of live up to that hype, but it doesn't, and to be fair, what could? can't we all just admit that the creators haven't the foggiest idea where they're going? which would be fine if there was a premise, but there isn't w/ lost. there is no predicate. lost is purely (and quite literally) smoke and mirrors. a good example of how this pseudo-profundity fools people is this comment made by a commenter at the lost sucks site:

LOST doesn’t suck. The reason a lot of people think LOST lost it’s [sic] edge is because it is a show you actually have to think about.

er, no. it isn't a show you have to think about. lost, much like donnie darko, is a spectacle that tricks and fools you into believing it's an "experience" you have to think about. it isn't. there is nothing to think about or mull over b/c there is nothing to "get." there are things that can confuse you b/c of metaphor, symbolism, or subtext, but lost has none of these; it merely appears to. there is such a crucial, vital difference. lost fails by its own logic. it isn't a character-driven show. it doesn't explore internal landscapes or emotions-- it is a plot-driven enterprise. as such, it fails one of the basic rules of the narrative formula: of advancing the storyline. this is the hubris of the show's creators. they want to eat their cake and have it, too* but they can't pull it off. they want to break rules and look "edgy" but they really just come off as that sheltered tool in high school who got really good grades and discovered punk rock in his thirties b/c wants to be seen as rebellious, you know, like those choads at gizmodo. fuck that. geeks are geeks. they're not cool. stop trying to be cool, "deep" or "edgy."

lost makes a lot of half-assed allusions and nods to philosophy, but the creators of lost have failed to recognize their true ideological and stylistic counterpart: slavoj zizek.

*i know that sounds weird, but think about it: you can't have a cake after you've eaten it. "eat your cake and have it too" was actually the original form of this proverb.

object

2008-04-27T18:59:00.006-07:00

i've always maintained that annie liebovitz is an overrated shit photographer and now my opinion is 100% validated as scientific fact. seems liebovitz, for whatever reason (retardation, perhaps?), thought that the rather ill-advised move of taking topless pictures of 15-year-old miley cyrus for vanity fair was an inspired, brilliant idea.

er, not so much.

i first heard about this this morning when ontd posted the story about a preview entertainment tonight is airing on monday covering the scandal. a lot of commenters doubted the veracity of the story, but it's true. and not only that, but cyrus is regretting the shoot. no shit? how about that. isn't that something? i was 15 twelve years ago (FUCK, i'm old) and it seems that every other move i made was rather regrettable; it's a part of being a teen, is it not? and so that prompts one to wonder: what the fuck were the adults in this sitch thinking? ah, yes: $$$. brilliant.

anyone who knows me knows that i'm rather liberal and in no way a prude when it comes to sex, even when it comes to discussing teens and sex, but this sitch is more or less inexcusable. yes, kids are obviously very interested in, and confused about, sex, just like the vast majority of people are, and we in the states tend to have a rather reactionary attitude about this, but no one but a fucking pedophile would want a kid to be sexualized like this. i've never paid any attention to this whole miley cyrus/hannah montana phenomenon-- b/c, as a 27-year-old male, why/how the fuck would/could i possibly care about this?-- but obviously it's pretty hard not to be cognizant of her and her fanbase. my interest in the juggernaut was always geared more toward her parents, though, and how they're shamelessly pimping out their daughter. but it's 2008 and this is what we do in industrialized, democratic societies. i mean, someone's gotta pay the bills! and in our peculiarly american marketplace, we often have to sell ourselves. it's not enough to let our talent or work do the hustle for us. we need to craft brands, perfect an image (b/c, truly, image is everything), carve out a niche, sell it to a demographic, and this always means selling ourselves. and this is where my point comes in. as an adult, it is one thing to sell yourself (and the debate over that, decades on, continues to burn), but a child cannot make that decision. and when that child is in an environment where adults are constantly showing her that it's okay to do just that, how can she make an informed decision? she can't. she has no model to show her otherwise. it sucks and i can be flip and sarcastic as possible about this, but it just frustrates me. i see a kid who is clearly not being looked out for by the people who supposedly should be doing just that. her parents obviously see her as a fucking meal ticket and what's really pathetic about this is that it's rather commonplace and i don't mean joe simpson and britney's parents. a cursory glance over "teh blogosphere" will immediately yield scores of pictures of kids their retarded-ass parents have no compunction of uploading for the drooling masses ("FIRST FTW omg that kid is fug lol") to gawk at.

i hate to be all absolutist again, but it's a black and white scenario. you can't sexualize kids the way this girl has been and then freak out when people start looking at underage teens as sex objects. get your messages straight: is it wrong to sexualize kids or is it okay? i can already see a pedo using this as some sort of justification for having child porn and i'm not sure he'd be entirely off-base w/ his argument. and i wonder what people would say if the photographer were male. just imagine some sleazy frenchman taking pictures of miley cyrus topless, "but w/ a sheet covering her," right, b/c the sheet makes it okay. if they really wanted her covered up, why not, oh, i dunno, put clothes on her? i mean, at this point it's pretty obvious billy ray cyrus has some massively confused (to put it charitably) feelings for his daughter. and i'm sure miley's mother is well aware of it, but shit, it isn't billy ray's awesomely longstanding and successful career that's lining her closets w/ jimmy choos, now is it?

goddamn it, i hate people.

nothing compares

2008-04-27T13:36:00.004-07:00

i was already pretty annoyed that i couldn't make it coachella this year (no one in orange county really has good taste in music and my bff-- who, truth be told, is the only person in the world i'd want to go to a music fest in the dez with-- is in the fucking slammer till september, so i couldn't exactly go w/ her) but now i'm extra annoyed b/c prince apparently tore it up and allegedly even had fratboys reduced to tears w/ his rendition of sarah mclachlan's "angel," of all songs.

meh. i can at least keep reminding myself that, in irvine, about 10 or so miles from the coast, it's 99 degrees; so that means that in coachella, which is the dez, it's straight up blazing.

streetlight

2008-04-26T02:58:00.001-07:00

sleep is useless. and i've probably gotten around 10-15 hours of it this week, and most of those hours were aided by alcohol.

daily lulz

2008-04-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

does this ever get old?

quite simply, no, it doesn't.

hi. oh, did you know yalies suck?

2008-04-18T12:13:00.007-07:00

i'm sure by that now you've heard of that yale student (does anything good come from this institution?), aliza s'farts, who allegedly impregnated herself multiple times only to induce miscarriages so as to use the blood in these miscarriages in a "daring, edgy" piece of performance art and, hopefully, open up a "dialogue about art and human body." at first, it was, like, for real. then, not really. then, no, it really is real*. then, like, her youtubes vid was totes yanked. then, like, my brain revolted and stabbed my cranium w/ a unified bolt of synapses. quoth s'farts:

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse . . . Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

of course, this last piece is total horseshit. she absolutely wanted to scandalize people, which, of course, she did. i have to be honest w/ you, when something like this comes down the pike and enters into the collective pop culture consciousness, my "scandalize" meter automatically flatlines: i just can't be bothered to be annoyed at something so obviously meant to garner someone desperately coveted attention. because that's what this is about, is it not? aliza s'farts and her desperate, gushing need for attention? well, here it is. no, what really annoyed me about s'farts is her statement on politics and art, so endemic amongst twentysomething art students. quoth:

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity . . . I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

wrong, wrong, and bad wrong. art and politics do not mix. the end. sorry to be absolutist about this, b/c i know absolutism is always wrong** but art is about nuance, grey areas, complexity, ambiguity; politics is none of these things. politics is entertainment and cheap-shot sloganeering. there was nothing artful about what s'farts did. it was a dog and pony show, a five sentence wikipedia entry, only to grow and expand on account of vandals. what she did was political, yes, but not artistic.

and, please, this individual is not "mentally ill" and does not need "help." she is yet another entitled, narcissistic tool in an endless line of many, viciously clawing for her 15 minutes. so, again, here it is. and now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to get a headstart on the weekend drunkery; yay me for contributing to this mess and being a part of the problem.

*no one knows for certain if the stuff really happened, man, b/c there are no such things as certainties, man, except for, like, the assertion that there are no certainties. man.
**c'mon, that's funny

the american left found dead in apparent suicide

2008-04-16T12:03:00.004-07:00

good one, you guys. nicely done.

meanwhile, the right-wing suddenly finds itself w/ a lot of time on its hands since liberals took it upon themselves to obliterate each other.

more wiignacity

2008-04-14T15:48:00.002-07:00

shit. wiig is out-of-control good. she has to be mentally ill-- skill like this doesn't come without a price.

bonus:

nick fehn

go die somewhere away from me

2008-04-14T13:40:00.005-07:00

"omg, so is it, like, true that yr name means 'beef from god'? that is so cool and soooooooo, like, apt!"

the taller girl has perfected the, as a defamer commenter so eloquently put it, "the I-am-so-not-impressed-with-celebrities bitch face," also known as, orange county hospitality.

of fonts and discontent

2008-04-14T11:37:00.003-07:00

when did trebuchet ms become all the rage? i've always found it to be a rather ghastly and weak font, and so was unsurprised to find out that it was designed by someone at microsoft (hence the ms) and as we all know, microsoft wouldn't know decent design if redmond itself was infected w/ a design virus. and anyway, what's wrong w/ arial? or courier new or verdana or georgia? why trebuchet ms of all fonts? ugh.

rachael ray

2008-04-11T11:39:00.005-07:00

really, what's w/ people hating on her so much? yeah, her voice is grating and her recipes probably suck (wouldn't know personally) but beyond that? i don't get it. a lot of people disparage her body but honestly i think she's pretty hot. not beautiful or gorgeous or anything, but she has a certain sex appeal. sure, i was troubled when i found out about her involvement w/ sxsw, but i suppose that proves one, or both, of two things: sxsw is "corporate" and/or she actually has decent taste, which is probably saying a lot more than the pale livejournal hordes who hate her. criticizing her for not having talent is like saying teens are self-absorbed. wow, and? how many famous people these days are actually talented? she, like oprah or dr. phil, is a businesswoman (well, mcgraw isn't a woman, but the prefix still stands). period. now, don't get me wrong, i despise phil mcgraw, but he's a fraud who poses as a "doctor" under the guise of "helping" people-- a bit more serious than ray's retarded catchphrases. but pick your battles, i guess.

i've known some people who've met her and they all say she's actually pretty nice and "cool" in person; not to mention she seems to have a healthy attitude about the people who dislike her.

googly-eyed plants

2008-04-07T12:46:00.003-07:00

holy christ:

all praise be to allah! nbc finally put this up on its snl page. i was loling like a fiend at this on saturday and i only had two beers!

wiiging out!!1

2008-04-06T11:15:00.007-07:00

dearest kristen wiig:

i want to have your babies. and, as you know, in this day and age it is possible for a nurturing, caring man such as myself to do just that. um, if you had sperm to give, of course.

aside: i noticed that in nearly every skit walken rarely made eye contact w/ the cast members when reading his lines. in the first skit i noticed this in, he was playing an extremely creepy man obsessed w/ a co-worker and i thought the lack of eye contact was in character, but in the next skit he was off looking at the prompter. i remembered reading an interview wherein he mentioned that he has a hard time remembering lines, and so i thought that was it, but then i noticed some of the other cast members looking off to the side, too. i have to say that while the past few weeks have been exceptional in content, this aspect of the show is really distracting, but bizarrely fascinating as well. and strangely enough, it's not nearly as annoying as jimmy fallon or horatio sanz cracking up during every (totally not funny) skit.

oh, shit yes

2008-04-02T12:11:00.003-07:00

there are some really awesome pictures of the joker leaked today. you can find them here.

note: if you don't know anything about the plot to the dark knight, these pictures could be considered spoilerish.

these are some of the coolest pictures i've seen of ledger's joker yet. yes, i have every leaked picture of the joker; yes, i saved all of them within an hour or two of them "hitting the streets"; yes, i'm a total geek for the joker.

batman sucks-- joker rules.

wow, two decent snl shorts in a row?

2008-03-16T09:49:00.003-07:00

i don't know about you, but i was completely aroused and moist by the end of this short. goodness . . .

u stop! unhand her right now!

2008-03-10T21:00:00.002-07:00

i have to admit, this digital short w/ chin samberg had me lol'ing like a fiend.

kind of makes you realize how lame batman is (and, by contrast, how fucking awesome the joker is).

LOLOLOL

2008-02-24T15:25:00.006-08:00

ralph fucking nader, huh? are you out of your mind? what the fuck is this cat thinking? is he thinking? at this point in the game? you're not going to win. no. not close. not even a fraction of a chance. even though i'm basically on the same page as nader and the green party, i can't for the life of me understand what they're doing these days. i don't really think nader even wants to be president; i think it's about him and the green party. can you picture him on the job? what has he been doing this whole time? say what you want about the other candidates, but at least they've been out there hustling. nader just fumbles in, announces himself in that tediously monotonous mumble, and now all of us liberals are supposed to swoon over "finally having a real choice." fuck that. we've had a choice. his name is barack motherfucking obama, son.

president ralph is doing it for the lulz.

r.i.p., teo macero

2008-02-22T16:51:00.004-08:00

teo macero, amazing musician and innovative producer, died on tuesday:

Helping to build Miles Davis albums like “Bitches Brew,” “In a Silent Way” and “Get Up With It,” Mr. Macero (pronounced TEE-oh mah-SEH-roh) used techniques partly inspired by composers like Edgard Varèse, who had been using tape-editing and electronic effects to help shape the music. Such techniques were then new to jazz and have largely remained separate from it since. But the electric-jazz albums he helped Davis create — especially “Bitches Brew,” which remains one of the best-selling albums by a jazz artist — have deeper echoes in almost 40 years of experimental pop, like work by Can, Brian Eno and Radiohead.

macero was one of the deciding factors in me deciding to explore the seemingly limitless possibilities in audio production and editing and move beyond merely playing and creating music. as the article rightly states, he had a lasting, although largely unsung, impact on the subsequent decades following his collaborative relationship w/ miles davis. macero was one of the first producers to stretch the boundaries of what record producers usually do and had a vital role in the end result; a precursor to the "superstar producer" of today.

locomotive

2008-02-18T10:26:00.008-08:00

ive been listening to nothing but guns n roses lately and so naturally, ive picked up slashs autobiography and the new axl biography by mick wall. i just started axls biography and am nearly done w/ slashs. if youre curious about slash but dont want to wade neck-deep through the dark matter, allow me to sum it up:

smack, coke, blow jobs under the table in a shitty mexican joint, fifth of jack, coke, smack, jack, jack, cop smack, slam smack, coke, blow job, axls a fucking weirdo, smack, fat rails, thin rails, blow job, axls a dick, coke, cop smack, fix smack, reckless driving, jack, blow job, teabagged by tommy lee, axls a fucking dick, smack, blow, jack, jack, smack, coke, arrested, totally mindblowing random act of kindness from axl, holy shit someone od'd, jack, speedballing, cop smack, fat rails, speedballing, little demons all over the place, intervention, rehab, withdrawal, fiend smack, cop smack, mmmm smack, coke, speedballing, really fucking disturbing anecdote involving james hetfield "skullfucking some girl" in slashs room, axl freaking the motherfuck out, riot, steven adler totally junked out, jack, coke, kick steven adler out, izzys out like a light, motherfucking axl, blow job, "wheres izzy?", matt sorum hates axl, gilby fucking clarke?, fucking motherfucking axl, riot, riot, riot, motherfucker, fiend smack, cop smack, fat rails w/ some pr0n chick, overdose, another mindblowing act of random kindness from axl, goddamn it, fucking axl goddamn rose, leave the band, then everyone leaves the band, axls a dick but only slash has earned the right to call him that and will beat anyone elses ass who calls him one.

in a word: (fucking) awesome. heres the original line up totally fucking pwning you w/ a live rendition of "welcome to the jungle" back in '88:

yacht rock (dahlink)

2008-02-16T17:56:00.007-08:00

is this shit ever going to get old? years ago, it was the strokes (remember them?). then it was clap your hands say yeah (fuck no). then the arctic monkeys. then peter, bjorn, nikolai, sven, timmy. now its vampire weekend. of course, its very easy to understand why this band is as hyped as it is: theyre rich and they write completely inoffensive pop music. and if theres anything that we love in america its easy cheese and money. i cant help but feel that this is somewhat comparable to the early 80s when bands like the knack were huge. at the moment, it seems as if the more derivative, predictable, bland, and clean-cut a band is, the more likely they are to get written about in details or have a lengthy thread started over at ilx or whatever.

how is it that weve found ourselves living in a bret easton ellis novel? paris, trump, bravo tv, vampire weekend? oh, well. i guess its not so bad. everything is cyclical (supposedly) so now we just have to wait around for the "next guns n roses" to make popular music exciting and greasy again. but, ugh, that means the next grunge movement wont be too far behind. excuse me while i go off myself.

go herbie!

2008-02-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

props to herbie hancock for cleaning up at the grammys last night. i used to think the awards show was ridiculous, but crap, at least theyve finally acknowledged a true giant like herbie.

heres herbie when he was in the miles davis quintet, absolutely tearing it up w/ their rendition of "round midnight":

"this is where we break it down, ooooh, this is where we break it down, ahhhh"

2008-02-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

i love me some flight of the conchords and im eagerly awaiting the second season of the show. if youve never watched it, its about these two new zealanders, jemaine and bret, w/ a folk/electronica novelty act, the flight of the conchords, who move to nyc to make it. they dont- theyre totally lame. their manager, murray, is the source of endless lolz. he begins every band meeting w/ roll call and meticulously goes over bullet items on his yellow scratch pad. jemaine and bret have little luck w/ women, dont drink or swear, and bret always wears sweaters w/ animal prints. their one friend, dave (played by arj barker), is a crude, belligerent new yorker whos always supplying the guys w/ awful advice on women and can never remember that theyre from new zealand, not "england or some shit." the conchords play gigs at electronics expos, airport lobbys, and new jersey public parks. their sole fan, mel, is wholly obsessed and devoted to them; in other words, she fucking stalks the shit out of them and is always trying to get a manage going. her husband, her one-time college professor, sometimes accompanies her on her stalks and is far too ineffectual to say or do anything about his wifes blatant erotic fixation on the guys. oh, and the dudes will randomly break into song during the course of an episode. are you sold yet? if not, here are some vids taken from a few episodes:

"hip-hopopotamus vs rhymenoceros"
bret and jemaine are about to get robbed when jemaine breaks out into a rap about being the motherflippin rhymenocerous and how its consequently ill-advised to rob them. needless to say, this is not a deterrent to their robbers.

"shes so hot (boom)"
bret gets a job as a sign holder. he has to train a n00b by the name of coco. whilst telling her about his band, he falls deep into lust w/ her and breaks into a m.i.a.-esque world jam about "boom boom lets rock the boom my eyes are zoomin my bodys boomin enough small boom lets boom the boom boom."

"inner-city pressure"
after dumpster diving for the nights meal, the boys launch into a pet shop boys-esque, synth-heavy tale about the gritty streets of nyc, complete w/ pitch-shifted refrain. "no one understands, no one sympathizes, so you just stay home and play synthesizers"

"think about it, think about it"
another rumination on the bleak realities of city life, the band sails into a smooth marvin gaye-inspired, mid-70s' slowjam, complete w/ lyrics about "kids callin each other names like 'dork'" and "people getting diseases from monkeys." and then they break it down.

life is good for the moment

2008-02-05T19:08:00.001-08:00

ive got an ice-cold stella and a fucking fat burrito from chipotle (sorry, molly, you snob).

i ask you: what else is needed?

what in sweet christ--

2008-02-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

IS this shit? to be literal, its heidi montags music video, but on a deeper, existential level, what in sweet christ is this shit?

um-- ? mean, snarky quips elude me at the moment. i just cant believe that, way back in the day when the hills was a new show, i actually thought she was kind of cute. kind of. when i covered part of my eyes and cut off half her chin.

<3

2008-02-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

ive changed my mind on feist: i fucking love her. i would sire her children. also, we have the same birthday (though she is like 5 years older than i am).

coulter endorses clinton

2008-02-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

now, i know everyone thinks that coulter just says shit to remain in the public eye, but i believe she means what she says. shell vote for clinton if it comes down between her and mccain. why does this make perfect sense to me? and i actually completely agree w/ her that clinton would be stronger on the war than mccain.

what a precarious time for conservatives. i almost feel bad for them.

got a good idea of what will be all over the news tomorrow

2008-01-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

im pretty sure itll be news of a video of heath ledger scoring coke at a party.

i linked a news segment featuring the video but changed my mind on the matter. personally, i enjoy drugs and am not appalled/astonished/shocked/whatever that ledger was a user. it doesnt bother me and definitely does not make me think any less of him as an actor. but obviously a lot of people have moral objections to it and find it distasteful/unfortunate that he used and that his use may have contributed to his death. its a tricky subject, but then, i use drugs myself, so perhaps my opinion is skewed.

so i was kind of arrested the other night

2008-01-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

one movie cliche ive found to be true is that the cops really do slap the cuffs on you as tightly as possible. that shit is uncomfortable-- especially for two-plus hours.

dicks.

heath ledger

2008-01-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

wow.

what the fuck. this is fucking bullshit.

i never write about celebrities b/c i dont give a fuck, but i actually really dug heath ledger. he just seemed like a really cool, genuine guy who cared about the craft and art of his work-- not so much about being famous. i was stoked out of my mind about him playing the joker. i was convinced he would wipe the fucking floor w/ nicholsons performance. ask anyone who knows me and theyll tell you how unabashedly geeky i am over the dark knight, particularly over ledger as the joker. in an age of celeb-fatigue, ledger was one of the few i wouldve considered approaching and giving props to if i ever saw him on the street.

theres more to say, and im really quite surprised b/c ive written quite a bit about this, but it isnt the time yet. this is still breaking and theres still far too much speculation going on, so out of respect for him, and his friends and family, im just going to hold off for now.

ugh. this is fucked. you will be missed, absolutely.

drink it up

2008-01-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

saw cloverfield and there will be blood (for the second time) yesterday. my brother and i caught the former at a 12:45 pm showing and even then it was crowded (w/ mostly brosephs). the relentless hype had a negative effect on me and i was basically sick of the movie weeks ago, but once it started i got into it and thought, well, okay, yeah, this might actually kick some ass.

until, that is, the fucking thing showed up. jesus christ, the monster is whack. ive never been so thoroughly not scared by a mankind-crushing creature in a movie before. the completely abrupt transition from twentysomething melodrama ("i wuv my best friend but i cant tell her, man, im going to japan anyway, so whats the point, man?") to rampaging chaos was brilliant, but once footage of the monster was shown they done lost me. and it sucks b/c the possibilities were fucking endless! and they had to go and throw a sea creature at us? meh.

what really cheeses me about the movie was that, a few years ago during a tumultuous break up, i had a very similar dream-- it even took place in upstate new york. in the dream my then-soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend and i were in albany, where shes from, and im basically moving my shit out of her place one night when suddenly a really intense aurora starts filtering across the sky, casting everything in these intense blues, greens, and purples. then these lights, which look like comets, start streaking across the sky and crash on the horizon, detonating on impact. my ex and i, and everyone on the block, are dazzled but quickly it turns to dread and panic when we realize "something really terrible" had just invaded. insert long, dramatic run-for-your-life sequence which ends in me getting killed trying to fight off some nutjob who, during the course of all this chaos, attempts to rape my ex (i guess my subconscious thought looting was too cliche?). then i woke up. it was a pretty amazing dream/nightmare and i really wanted to turn it into a movie some day, but cloverfield totally fucking ruined it. and the fucking creature sucks. the aliens in my dream were unprecedented-- ive never seen this sort of thing in a movie or read about it in a sci/fi book before. im not going to say what they were b/c i still want to run w/ this idea. i believe in it so strongly that, ultimately, i wont let cloverfield ruin it for me and im convinced i could hustle a studio into bankrolling it.

on the other hand, there will be blood is inexplicably rad. i wont wax blog about it, since tons of others already have, but i will say that daniel day-lewis absolutely tears it up and his performance marks you. paul dano does an admirable job of countering him. intense shit. i was never a paul thomas anderson fan before, but hes won me over w/ this.

what the motherfuck, STEVE?

2008-01-15T11:19:00.000-08:00

so the apple keynote address was today, where an anorexic notebook was introduced, itunes movie rentals was introduced, and an upgrade for the iphone was introduced. oh, yeah, an upgrade for the touch was unveiled, too-- for $20.

are you out of your fucking mind, jobs? it isnt enough that i paid $430 for the touch, now i have to pony up $20 for shit that shouldve been on there to begin w/ (mail, stocks, weather, blah blah blah)? why is it that w/ iphone early adopters you gave them $100 "store credit," but w/ the touch early adopters you just insist we bend over and toss the lube out the window? is there something else bundled in this upgrade? is the $20 to keep safari from crashing? is it to keep the player from crashing while using safari? is it going to magickally install two more gigs? no? then WTF STEVE?

3 things more annoying than ron paul supporters

2008-01-09T12:27:00.001-08:00

3. jock itch

um. hmm. this was a bit harder than previously considered. will get back to you.

(oh shit, my computers getting hacked.)

stop it

2008-01-09T12:04:00.001-08:00

how many people do you know drink beer? unless youre straightedge or a recovering alkie, id say about 9 out of 10 people you know, right? so why is that when talking about politicians or celebrities or whatever, some of us use beer-drinking as a gauge of an approachable/likable character? "so-and-so may be a a bit of a douchebag, but he seems like the kinda guy you can have a beer w/, so hes okay in my book!" listen, please stop. this is like saying kim jong ill is cool b/c he likes pr0n and pop culture (okay, so maybe that makes him a little cool, but still). i know its important for idols to be "down to earth," but goddamn it, have some standards. dont get me wrong, i like beer (even though i prefer the hard stuff mahself), but everyone drinks beer. everyone. retarded 12-year-olds drink beer; whats the big fucking deal? putting all your faith in someone b/c they seem (SEEM!) like you could "have a beer widim" is like falling in love w/ someone b/c you can chat w/ them in aim. its just tacky.

2007 in music

2008-01-02T10:09:00.000-08:00

what better way to bring in the new year than to laboriously go over the merits of last years aural contributions? so here are my picks for the 16 best recordings of 2007. (why not 16? its a round number; also, i forgot one and had to insert it.) last year was a pretty fucking amazing one for music, but you know what that means: this year is gonna blow. i delayed writing this post, mostly out of sheer laziness, but also b/c there were several albums released last year that i have yet to hear (ghostface and wu-tang spring to mind) and i hesitate to set anything in stone, as it were.

16. blonde redhead, 23
video: title track

15. mayhem, ordo ad chao
video: audio-only of "illuminate to eliminate"

14. tegan and sara, the con
video: title track

13. justice, cross
video: "d.a.n.c.e."

12. radiohead, in rainbows
video: "reckoner"

11. kanye, graduation
video: audio-only of "drunk n hot girls"

10. andrew bird, armchair apocrypha

video: "yawny at the apocalypse"

9. cinematic orchestra, ma fluer

video: performance of "to build a home" featuring patrick watson.

8. between the buried and me, colors

video: studio footage of the band recording the album. w/ the constant click of the metronome and kurt fucking russell featured prominently, how can you go wrong?

7. jesu, conqueror

video: performance of "old year"

6. burial, untrue

video: "ghost hardware"

5. pelican, city of echoes

video: fan-made photo slideshow featuring "a delicate sense of balance" (best song on the album, btw).

4. battles, mirrored

video: "tonto"

3. the field, from here we go sublime

video: "over the ice"

2. mia, kala

video: "paper planes"; as if i couldnt love her any more, she had to go and rep metallicas ride the lightning in this vid. plz plz plz marry me.

1. dillinger escape plan, ire works

video: "party smasher"

ugh

2007-12-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

i cant believe i think lily allen is cute in this picture. and no, it has nothing to do w/ the fact that her tit is showing.

meh. my sluttiness knows no bounds. im like michael k, but straight.

via egotastic.

dear parents who are always talking about their children:

2007-11-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

omg zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

sunday lolz

2007-11-25T12:04:00.000-08:00

Online Couple Never Chats Anymore

the parents are all right

2007-11-11T21:55:00.001-08:00

currently they're out in the kitchen, debating and discussing blue velvet and what, exactly, was frank's fucking deal.

BUTT HASH-- are you and your family at risk?

2007-11-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

now, i've been known to enjoy getting high every now and then, but seriously butt hash?

butt

hash

BUTT HASH.

if you don't know, it's worse than what you're thinking (shit left to rot in a baggie out in the sun for several days, whereafter it is inhaled). personally, i think it's bunk. just another, as the wikipedia entry notes, "moral panic" dreamed up by some bored-ass coto de caucasian housewife betwixt insurance sales. it's all there, the imploring "what are your kids getting high w/ now!?" tone, the obligatory africa origin (which is obnoxiously enough called a "country"-- africa is not a MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY, goddamn it all), etc., etc. whatever. people waste their time on this total, um, crap when there are legitimate things to worry about, such as cults that are offing babies in record numbers and offering toddlers in ritual sacrifices.

now if you'll excuse me, there's some pickled toe jam i have to inhale.

caturday nite speshal LOL

2007-11-02T23:56:00.001-07:00

lolrez

2007-11-02T12:44:00.001-07:00

lol but serious too

2007-10-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

dear april bowlby:

hi. marry me?

pros:

i'm a great listener
a hard worker
great guitar player
chivalrous
easy going for the most part
enjoy ankle-splitting walks on the beach
have a sexy voice
and have been told i'm excellent at oral sex
have excellent manners
i rarely let the bathroom get out of hand, dirt- and scum-wise
i also have a good fashion sense and never wear white socks to bed and/or during teh sez; hell, i rarely wear socks at all, let alone white ones

cons:

i've been known to have lazy spells
can be argumentative
depressed (but i try to hide it)

kthx

ps, we would have beautiful children together. just a thought.

kthxbye

pwned lol

2007-10-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

"You think it's a no-brainer -- it's five buttons, it's really easy," Flores says. "But when you dig into the guts of the game, it's really very complicated. Trying to make the note timing feel right is very tricky."

totes. it takes pure skill and coolness to push those little plastic buttons on that little plastic guitar hero guitar. those real guitars-- w/ strings and frets and tuning and intonation and which require rhythm and creative acumen and calluses and hand coordination and notes and fancy stuff like that-- are fucking babies' toys.

i've been a fool, devoting most of my life to playing and making music. i'm not nearly as cool and talented as guitar hero players. like these guys:

via wired.

dear glenn beck:

2007-10-25T00:32:00.000-07:00

if i ever meet you, i promise you, i will hand you your fucking ass. i would happily serve jail time for beating your pathetic, lilly-livered, privileged bitchface into the ground. in fact i'd turn myself in and wear that distinction as the badge of honor that it is. and no, i'm not joking.

on that note, today sucked. the farmers' market is held every wednesday and today (technically yesterday) was no exception, but it was a decidedly lesser affair. two vendors were absent on account of road closures and foot traffic was noticeably lower than normal. that thick, stagnant cloud of dark smoke blanketed the land all day, complete w/ a steady slow drizzle of ash and that creepy glow of orange light that coats us like an amber shellac. the stink of burning matter is becoming so commonplace we hardly notice it anymore; it's only that vague reserve of memory and the clenching in our throats that tells us this stench is most definitely not as right as rain. we went from hurricane-force winds to a dead fucking calm. and now this acrid, smoldering, claustrophobic canopy envelopes us.

juan, a kid in his early teens who works for one of the vendors, pointed to the moon and asked me, "is that normal?" inquiring about the piercing, martian hue the moon has been veiled in. "it's cuz of the smoke," i said.
"oh."
"why? you scared?" i joked.
"heh. a little."

the matter of time

2007-10-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

this guy, john ziegler, is, objectively, the biggest douchebag in los angeles. i fucking h a t e this guy. three days into this wildfire calamity and he's already turned his radio show on super-right-wing KFI into a fucking partisan wasteland for his right-wing ideology. i've been listening to KFI since sunday b/c they've had full, pre-emptive coverage, and all of their local hosts have kept it blessedly ideology-free, save for this asshole who turned it into a "democrat this," "liberal that," blah blah and even somehow managed to throw in a few remarks about how californians are "better" than "those people" in new orleans b/c of how we've handled this. never mind that the two disasters are very different, under very different circumstances, etc.

ziegler was the subject of an elaborate* piece by david foster wallace for the atlantic monthly entitled "host." typical of wallace, not much in respect to psychology was explored, which is unfortunate, b/c ziegler is an absolute narcissist, dripping w/ contempt for his audience, for people in general, and especially for anyone who dares disagree w/ his absurd political ideology. i was looking forward to wallace dismantling ziegler, but alas, it never happened.

ziegler has been fired from three previous radio stations. the first two terminations were over racial jokes about black celebrities (i guess b/c racial jokes about white celebrities are boring?) and the third b/c he was chuckleheaded enough to make comments about a woman's (whom he happened to be dating at the time) physical characteristics. of course, b/c john ziegler is a right-wing talk radio show host, he is incapable of taking any responsibility for his actions. when it comes to liberals, women, minorities, homos, etc., it's all about the lack of personal responsibility amongst these types, but if you are a right-wing talk show host, you're somehow above such pedestrian strictures. it wasn't john ziegler who was to blame for getting john ziegler fired--three times!-- it was political correctness! yes. political correctness. 2007 and people are still blaming political correctness for everything that's wrong in society. if you get fired from three separate places of employment, i dunno, is the problem maybe you? maybe? not when it comes to john ziegler. b/c, you see, john ziegler is the real victim here. sure, minorities and women and liberals and whoever else like to act as if they're the victims, but it's really joe everymen like john ziegler who are constantly being short-changed. he's a talk show host employed by clear channel. on a flagship station. after being fired three times. for being a douche. he's sitting pretty. in los angeles. after being fired three times.

i mean, it's obvious who the victim is here. right?

oh yeah, ziegler is a racist fuckface, as well. last week he launched a semi-defense of james watson's comments that black people are intellectually inferior to white people. ziegler decried watson's more obvious proclamations, but he then went on to say that agree w/ watson re: africa not being as evolved as other continents or something like that. never mind that evolutionary biologists have completely dismissed watson's comments whole cloth as being the bona fide racist swill that they are. ziegler at least half agrees w/ the man.

it's no surprise, i guess, that ziegler waited all of one day before using these fires as a springboard for reasons #569-76 of why liberals are scumbags. it's just that, jesus, all the other right-wing hosts on KFI, who are doubtlessly strident in their douchery, have somehow managed to avoid making this a partisan issue thus far. in a sea of assholes, it takes a certain charm to stand out. cheers to you, mr. ziegler.

*yes, i know the adjective is redundant when discussing wallace, but it's there anyway.

500,000

2007-10-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

awesome: fema is on the way. i don't know about you, but i'd welcome the return of the santa anas before i'd welcome fema. i mean, what are they going to do? stand around and be incompetent? that's what we need.

the fire down the street, known as the santiago fire, got worse today as a spot fire just sort of up and erupted. sunday night was a little hairy: we watched the flames burn their way across the foothills, north to south, as the winds kicked up a choking amount of dust and ash. didn't sleep much that night, mostly b/c the fire broke out about 30 mins. before sunset, crews were already stretched thin from the malibu and canyon country fires, little was known about the fire, and the conditions just seemed to deteriorate by the hour. things seemed to get a little better yesterday, as 30% containment was announced, but the fire kept spreading south and more and more communities were being evacuated. today, that spot fire caused a ruckus and the first in a series of homes in this fire were lost. b/c of this, the media attention ramped up and we finally got some aircraft relief. frankly, b/c of the lack of house fires, orange county has received little outside help; it's to be expected, especially considering the status of san diego, but still, if you live here, it sucks. it took an unfortunate turn of events for aid to get ramped up here.

speaking of san diego. shit. they're being eaten alive down there. last i heard, a half million people in california have been evacuated.

things are actually looking a lot better outside my window. what a difference aircraft makes. there's been a sizable plume of dark smoke just sitting there all day, accompanied by an eerie amber glow in the sky and raining ash, but now it's dissipated quite a bit (i had the day off, so i've just been chilling at the house). one good thing is that the santa anas have finally settled the fuck down. i usually like the santa anas, how they clean the atmosphere out and bring out the glory of this landscape, but this was ridiculous. i've never seen santa anas this intense, which was the general consensus at work yesterday, as well. i knew it was bad sunday morning when the mountains and foothills were obscured by dust. then i heard about malibu, canyon country, and santiago, and things just got worse by the hour. sunday will go down in infamy around here. shit, even yesterday. there is so much superstitious bullshit surrounding the santa anas-- that they bring out some sort of collective insanity, that they're the cause of all sorts of inexplicable preternaturalism, that they can even cause earthquakes-- but shit, yesterday seemed to bore this silliness out. my boss and i ran some errands around lunchtime and people were acing like they had done lost their fucking minds. erratic driving, on-the-corner proselytizing, general freakery, and a palpable tension, etc., all set against a backdrop of clobbering winds, dark walls of smoke, and a slow burning in your lungs. it was like a goddamned lynchian dreamscape by way of jodorowsky. today was no less weird, particularly w/ this amber glow hanging in the sky, and it was damned hot. i checked the temperature: 99 fucking degrees. in late october. yes, this is southern california, but shit, 99 fucking degrees w/ 8% humidity? we've somehow managed to find ourselves inside a furnace.

without a doubt, this is the most significant wildfire i've ever seen. i was born and raised here and nothing in the recesses of my memory can touch this. not even the laguna hills fire that went down when i was in junior high. i even noticed a few neighbors packing up and leaving. prompted me to make a half-assed plan myself; fortunately, i've not yet had to implement it.

btw, posted a few pix at teh flickr (i love how you don't have to lolify "flickr").

shit

2007-10-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

shit, the power went out for a minute. it got a lot worse in a really short amount of time. my brother just called and said a friend of his about a mile from here was evacuated.

things working against us in this scenario: very strong, erratic winds; rapidly worsening conditions; and the real possibility that embers can be spread far and wide.

in the very least this area will be covered in ash come daylight.

holy fucking shit

2007-10-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

so i look out the window and i see a massive plume of very dark smoke billowing like the wrath of god himself. this picture is jack shit compared to looking out the window and seeing this maybe a mile or so away. i can see the flames from my bathroom window, but it's too dark now to get it on camera. fuck.

every day is like caturday \m/ lol \m/

2007-10-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

some crazy finn (redundant?) on youtube, st. sanders, takes youtube vids of shredders shredding and dubs this hilariously awful, inept noodling over it, complete w/ goofy clapping, muted grunts, and frantic drum machining. after the initial loling, you have to marvel at his editing skills. st. must be an at least decent player himself to know exactly just how to fuck up and insert spot-on, absurd references (e.g., on the video he dubbed for eric clapton, he throws in metallica's "enter sandman" just at the right moment and long enough not to belabor the point). maybe this kind of shit isn't totally lolrus to the non-guitar-playing contingent, but shit, you get the point, especially if you've ever known a crappy guitar player who takes himself seriously; and/or, if you've ever walked into a guitar center.

one of my favorite dubs is the one he did of jake e. lee soling during a gig w/ ozzy and ozzy's totally ridiculous, coke-fueled clapping. christ, i haven't laughed this hard since grandpa tickled me. ozzy totally comes off like yr crazy, drunk-ass uncle who goes apeshit over yr "genius" guitar skills at that family reunion when you're 15 and three degrees away from having a hormone-induced nervous breakdown after being muscled into performing in front of yr motley crew of equally drunk, but nowhere near as thrilled, relatives. an antagonistic applauding: "CLAP, motherfuckers, CLAP!" not that i'd know jack shit about such a scenario.

jake e. lee:

im on ur stage
skuanderin ur hardurned deniro!
CLAPPIN LIEK A CRACKHEZ

marty friedman:

im in ur guitar center
sittin on ur stoo, playin ur anp, inpressin ur girl, murderin ur spirit

st.'s crowning achievement:

im on ur landmine
loosin ur limbz, freekin ur mind

the editing in this one is amazing. this shit is a fucking work of art. shit, i gotta get a drum machine.

this is what you get

2007-10-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

um, ew. van halen totally, completely out of tune playing "jump." i don't understand why father and son didn't just transpose? and holy crap, the solo is nails on a fucking chalkboard. or why not just have a live keyboard player? for crissake, who's the tech!? at least roth twirls an impressive baton.

you know what's even more curious, though? i've seen another clip of them playing "jump" on this tour and the keys are sharp there, too. what gives? you would deduce that it's father and son who are out of tune, but the keys definitely sound sharp to me.

do you see what happens, eddie? do you see what happens? do you see what happens when you fuck yr original bass player in the ass, eddie? do you see what happens?

what? no stupid corporations? oh, that's right-- corporation = $$gooood$$

2007-10-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

reason tv, offshoot of reason online, is teaming up w/ drew carey to fight "stupid stuff." quoth carey:

"We need Reason to help fight the stupid drug laws, the stupid immigration laws and stupid big government in general."

indeed. props to reason for lassoing in a sharp, relevant public figure such as drew carey. that'll help the libertarian powerhaus' credibility, totally. who's next? david brenner*? we can only hope.

*"who the fuck is david brenner?" you ask. precisely.

m.i.a. "paper planes"

2007-10-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

i'm not really one to get caught up in celeb worship. i've been in hollywood a shitload of times and have probably come across a few celebs, but i don't know for sure, simply b/c i don't give a shit. but goddamn what i would give to hang out/make out w/ m.i.a. there is a limited number of people in this world as talented, cool, and hot as she is, am i right or am i right? in other words, if i ever actually met her, i'd probably just stand there like a retard before blurting, "holy shit, you have a pretty mouth!" here's a mock-up still image video of m.i.a.'s "paper planes." her best song yet?

shit, this song is crazy good. almost inconceivable how good it is.

"WTF is this!? RAP!!!??!??!"

2007-10-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

my relationship w/ tool is a precarious one, b/c on one hand, i sort of like them, but on the other, they bore the tits off me. and i say this as someone who's an avid admirer of miles davis' late '60s/early '70s 30-minute-long excursions into funk drenched, proto-fusion-metal (seriously, "rated x" is heavier than anything black sabbath's ever done)-- so don't think i can't appreciate long tracks, b/c i do; in fact, i prefer songs to be over 8:00 mins. i want to feel as if i've gotten my money's worth, or that i've at least spent quality time downloading (not illegally, b/c i would never do that-- ever). it's just that tool has turned into the pink floyd of metal, which, really, isn't a good thing. don't get me wrong-- i love a lot of their stuff, but the majority of that shit is off their first two albums. they've been in a rut for the past ten years, which, i guess, is why metalheads like them so much (metalheads being the notoriously conservative and drab lot that they are, although nowhere near as conservative and predictable as punk rockers). but maynard went and did something i thought was impossible: he made an album a million times more boring than lateralus-- a perfect circle's 13th step. so it was at that point, somewhere in the early aughties, that my interest in all things tool quietly died, my love for the first two albums heartily withstanding. but con sarnit if maynard didn't go and totally redeem hisself and make something of interest w/ "side project #2," puscifer.

exhibit #1:

"queen b.," aka, "the sound of midwestern metalheads freaking the fuck out cuz maynard went all gay and country disco!!!1 and wtf kinda name is gaynard anyway? whatever happened to good old fashioned names like DAVE and RICHARD?"

typically, the humor is totally lost on the audience. how can you not find the ironic humor in "this lovely lady's got the thickness/can i get a witness?"? oh, that's right: you can be a metalhead.

and here's a commercial for puscifer's album, v is for vagina, aka, exhibit #2:

holy fuck, it's like maynard, mike patton, and jim goad got together and smacked out a mean collab before smacking out each other. consider me stoked. now, if maynard would just leave those old dinosaurs in tool.

linked from metalsucks, aka, metalheadsarehumorlessumtools.com.

goth of love

2007-10-04T10:06:00.001-07:00

radar, the coolest magazine out there, has an interview w/ my favorite vocalist eva, sioux.

some snippets:

on this lame business of high-fasion rock star decadence:

What do you make of the modern rock star look in the era of the stylist? You managed to pull yourself together quite well in your day. They aren't exciting, are they? It's because the same high-priced stylist does all of them! I don't need one, thanks. It makes me feel cheated because I want to see what that personality would choose to wear, how they'd do their hair. They all have the uniform look with none of the attitude. It's a little Stepford Pop Star out there.

on ashlee simpson:

Who is Ashlee Simpson?

on ashlee's musical soulmate, that tubby embarrassment/parody robert smith:

. . . I mean, darling, really, do you own a mirror?

and gosh, interpol, lcd soundsystem, the white stripes, the yeah yeah yeahs, the klaxons, the rapture, etc. must all be breathing a sigh of relief b/c you could never apply the following to them, could you?

There's way too much retrospective going on all over the place. Stop looking backwards. Remakes of films, like The Omen and Halloween. Have you really run out of ideas? Imagination costs nothing. It's free and anyone can do it. It's the same with having someone style you. I mean, use your bloody head. That's the fun of it!

and finally:

. . . Would you wanna do Goth of Love?
Ewww, God, no!

shit, foiled again! i'd dress up in facepaint and brave a room full of obnoxious peter murphy wannabes just to have a night w/ sioux. wouldn't you? she only has one of the best voices in recorded music and is surly as hell-- what's not to love?

OMG you guys new zune tomorrow

2007-10-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

huh? what's a zune? yeah, exactly.

to make this post cool, here are some pictures of my ipod touch. i lucked out and got one w/ a proper screen, although that whole "defective screen" thing turned out to be a lot of racket over what was basically a firmware problem.

i need to get a new camera.

got the zune picture from gizmodo, etc.

"lost the kids, LOL"

2007-10-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

i wonder if the unitards at popsugar.com will find a way to apologize for their messiah's obvious indifference toward losing her "little ones." some gibberish about making another comeback, how great she used to be, etc., etc.

got this picture from dlisted. michael k said that britney was "placing her meth order on that blackberry," but this is impossible b/c meth causes one to lose weight, not gain it. sorry. i know that was below the gut, but i have little sympathy for this person.

yes, hank-- speak it loud

2007-09-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

from radar:

"I do not oppose his speaking; I oppose its sponsorship by Columbia University."—Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State

oh, yes. brilliant. henry fucking kissinger has moral objections to columbia letting ahmadinejad speak. of course, b/c as we all know, if there's a paragon of morality to which we all must aspire, it is henry kissinger. henry kissinger, a man responsible for the deaths of thousands. i so totally care what henry kissinger finds ethically questionable. don't you? this is like heinrich himmler objecting to tom metzger* appearing at bob jones university.

and yet, in the cult of political personality, it's all rather par for the course, isn't it?

*metzger is a "charming" white racist who has been known to utter gems such as, "hitler was too liberal!" and "gas 'em all!"

joe zawinul, 1932-2007

2007-09-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

link:

VIENNA (Reuters) - Keyboardist Joe Zawinul, who played with Miles Davis and helped shape jazz fusion with his band Weather Report, died in his native city of Vienna on Tuesday, aged 75.

Zawinul, voted best keyboarder 30 times by music magazine Down Beat's critics' poll, including this year, had sought medical attention last month after a tour. He died of a rare form of skin cancer, local news agency APA reported.

a massive talent and influence. r.i.p.

and the award for totally lame, obvious trailer goes to--

2007-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

iron man, which features, wait for it, black sabbath's "iron man." wow. that's totally not gay or cheesy or ridiculous or lame at all. way to go, jon favreau.

also, when is spielberg going to grow a set and become a man? indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. for real? like, for real real? um, why? is this some sort of tie-in w/ magic: the gathering? i realize it's indiana jones, but still, "kingdom of the crystal skull"? uuuuugh. it's like this: you're on a date and you're going to go see this movie and you're in line and you walk up and, really, what're you going to say? "two for indiana jones and the-- er, yeah, indiana jones, please." you're not going to say "kingdom of the crystal skull" in front of yr date! why? b/c it's G A Y and almost totally obliterates chances of seduction. but spielberg doesn't think in such terms. his only concern is appealing to the mclovins of the world and to the academy.

but i'll take this opportunity to make it official: i'm going to write a movie about a superhero who kills all other superheroes. because it must be done.

why?

2007-09-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

what ever happened to the stop button? itunes, youtube-- seriously, what happened to the stop button?

watch me go broke

2007-09-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

oh, damn. looks like i'll be out $300 (edit: $425-- christ, someone help me) this week.

the ipod touch. w/ wi-fi. w/ safari. w/ youtube. and now, a wi-fi-based itunes store. holy god. His Steveness has delivered. hark! what's that i hear? the collective croak of windows fanboys the world over.

my only gripe: 16 gigs? seriously? dude. well, it's better than 4. i guess.

the church has also unveiled the new nano, which, frankly, is busted. damn thing is a hobbit-- the frodo of the ipod! but it has video capabilities, so there you go. also, they're keeping the classic ipod, which they've called, um, the ipod classic. you can get an 80GB for $250 and a 160GB for $350. so if you're cool w/ the older ipod's classic look, and more concerned about storage capabilities, then this ipod is your best bet.

i've never owned an ipod, which is strange because i'm obsessed w/ music, but i was usually spending any extra funds i had on gear and the like. i tried to buy a nano when they came out in '05, but that first week they were impossible to get a hold of. eventually i just gave up and bought a bass. but now i know why i heretofore have never bought an ipod: it's because i was meant to buy this one.

christ. must suck to be a zune owner right now. hahahaha.

note: this image is from the indispensable powerhause engadget. if any of the proprietors of engadget want me to take this image down, email my ass.

fixation

2007-09-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

"23," by blonde redhead, is the only song i've listened to for the past two days. i wonder how long it'll last before i tire of it. or, just maybe, it'll be one of those rare songs that never gets old.

wherein i officially become a right d-bag

2007-09-05T00:02:00.001-07:00

10 more hours till the new ipod (possibly "ipod touch") is revealed. believe it or not, it'll be the first ipod i own. provided, of course, that it's awesome and looks sufficiently sexy. so this is very exciting for me (only because everything else in my life is in total shambles).

because indie rock sucks

2007-08-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

metal up yr ass.

megadeth: "wake up dead"
on the ARRM (awesomely rad riff meter), "wake up dead" scores a 9.5. nearly every riff is rad, particularly at the -2:34 to -1:54 mark and (especially) the last riff at -0:59 to end.

metallica: "the prince"
here are those dinosaurs covering diamond head's "the prince." it was from a 2004 show, so it's kinda old, kinda tired, but it's competent. in a word: dad. hammett sounds like fucking rubbish. his solo at the beginning is embarrassing. and lars. well, it's lars. poor grandpa looks like he's about to keel over. anyway, "the prince" is about a 8.5 on the ARRM. every riff is rad, but not the raddest.

now, contrast that with:

metallica: blackened"
christ all effing mighty, what happened? the boys are playing "blackened," easily a 10.0, back in 1989. it's unnerving how good they were. the rage (most likely because of death of cliff burton) is palpable. james hetfield looks like he's about to pummel the shit out of someone. they're a laughingstock now, both their music and public image, but there was a time when metallica were a force to be fucked w/.

bonus:

14-year-old jacqueline mannering playing the solo from "blackened." pretty good, pretty good. i was way better at that age, but you know. i'm kidding. (not really.)

celtic frost: "into the crypt of rays"
here's everyone favorite thrash/proto-black metal outfit, celtic frost, performing the classic "into the crypt of rays" on some whack-ass swiss tv show. a solid 9.0, for sure. every riff slaps the step-child, but still not quite the raddest. i have to give thomas fischer cred for headbanging between every verse, though.

bonus: the frost's cover of "mexican radio." not nearly as good as the original, but a chuckle-worthy novelty nevertheless.

slayer: "angel of death"
easily a 10.0. the riff after the second chorus-- tell me that shit doesn't make you wanna hit something. even public enemy had to sample it. actually, dave lombardo's sick fucking drumming elevates this to a 12.0-- on a riff meter! it's that metal!

the dillinger escape plan: "sugar-coated sour"
another 10.0. every riff is masterful. but this is really a drumming song. the guitars and drums are a punishing machine. even though the drummer himself is a right d-bag.

carcass: "heartwork"
every riff in this song is a 9.5, but the verse riff elevates it to a 10. best played at extremely loud volume.

accept: "balls to the wall"
oh, man. the riffs, the leather, the fatigues, the Vs, and udo. the sheer germanness of it all! this is shit is so metal i feel ionized just watching the vid. when i was younger i thought they were saying "wolf blitzer" in the chorus. not really, but it sounded good and funny enough so i still way it when i sing along. easily a 15. it just doesn't get any more metal than accept, it's that simple.

and there you have it. some of the raddest riffs in metal. tell yr mom i say what up.

huh?

2007-08-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

i don't get it. seriously, what is the big fucking deal w/ this chick? is it because she was, until a few days ago, underage? is it because she resembles jon benet? is it because we're a schizophrenic society that purports to despise pedophiles, yet sexualizes kids?

all pedophilia implications aside, i reckon i'd find it hard to find the appeal if she were, say, 24. maybe then she'll look different, more like a woman, but when you boil it down, she's just another nondescript blonde. maybe growing up in orange county has raised my tolerance to this kind of thing, but nah, probably not. em is blonde. but then, em is hot.

but maybe i'm the weirdo for finding her age and resemblance to a child beauty queen a turn-off.

another m.i.a. interview, and another reason to buy/subscribe to radar

2007-08-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

very interesting interview w/ m.i.a. in the new issue of radar. you can read a little bit of it here.

Have you felt pressure to be less outspoken?
It's a double-edged sword, always. I don't feel lucky that I can't get into the U.S. I guess that's what happens when you choose to say something other than, "My humps, my humps, my humps." Yeah, if you have something to say, you pay the price, but it's an interesting lesson for us all. When I talk about politics, I talk about them as a daughter of somebody who was persecuted because of them. My experience with the government was discovering things like, because of them, maybe my cousin was killed. My aunt was in a refugee camp. My uncle was arrested for selling magazines. These are the stories I heard growing up. I'd hear how my neighbors got tortured to death, my cousin was hung upside down on a van and beaten. So I was always vexed about politics, and then suddenly you watch the news in London and hear that your freedom is being taken away there as well. Not just that I couldn't get on the Tube because bin Laden was going to bomb us, but having to, like, justify all these sodding two-hour airport security checks, and being treated different. I call that shit. It's useless. London is a beautiful, multicultural place, and after the 7/7 bombings it became ruled by unspoken prejudice.

is there anyone cooler in music today? i think not!

ain't talkin' 'bout love

2007-08-21T13:33:00.001-07:00

i'll always love eddie van halen's music and i'll always respect what he's done for the guitar, but personally i find the man himself to be cretinous. on the eve of their big reunion tour w/ diamond dave (bibbidy bop!), van halen have, inexplicably, decided to delete ex-bassist michael anthony from their history. why? when it comes to van halen, who the fuck knows why? evh has been fucked out of his skull for years, his brother is apparently the biggest sycophant in rock history, and i'm sure roth is aware he had better keep his yap shut lest he loses out on the millions this tour will no doubt rake in. as others on blabbermouth have said, this is a trainwreck and where it stops, how gruesome it'll get, and how many will go down in flames is yet to be determined. but rest assured it will happen. i'd like to think evh is digging his grave w/ this kind of sociopathic behavior, but methinks the hordes of middle-aged, acid-washed rockers will be too drenched in their jager-soaked nostalgia to vote w/ their feet on this one.

"that crunchy part's the thorax"

2007-08-21T01:34:00.001-07:00

i'm obsessed w/ this pepsis wasp now, a.k.a, the tarantula hawk. first of all, they're beautiful. second, they get drunk off fermented fruit. but the real clincher for me is what it does to tarantulas. get a load of this madness:

A female wasp finds a tarantula by smell. Generally, she scampers across the ground to locate a burrow. She will enter the burrow and expel the spider, then attack it. She may also encounter a male tarantula during his search for a mate. In an attack, the wasp uses her antennae to probe the spider, which may raise its front legs and bare its fangs. (A tarantula does not always counterattack.) She then attempts to sting the spider. She might seize the spider by a leg, flip it over on its back and sting it, or she may approach from the side to deliver a sting. Once stung, the tarantula becomes paralyzed within seconds. The condition will last for the remainder of its life. The wasp may drink the body fluids oozing from the spider’s wounds or from its mouth to replenish nutrients and water she used during the attack.

If the wasp expelled her victim, she will drag it back into its own burrow, now a burial vault, lay a single egg on the spider’s abdomen, then seal the chamber. If the wasp succeeds in stinging a male tarantula on a mating hunt, she will excavate a burrow, drag the paralyzed spider inside, lay her single egg, and seal the chamber.

Once the egg hatches, the tiny grub, initially connected to the spider by the tip of its tail, bends over, attaches its head and begins to suck. It continues sucking until its final moult. It then rips open the spider's abdomen, thrusts its head and part of the thorax inside, and "feeds ravenously," as one entomologist described it. As one might hope, even for a spider, the tarantula at this point is finally dead.

remember that the next time someone uses "it's natural" to justify something. now for some videos:

the fight

the kill

the schlep.

be sure to watch these before you go to sleep. (next to a feather duster that will lightly graze your arm as you nod off, causing you to jolt up in abject arm-flailing hysteria.)

snap!

2007-08-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

did you know there's a fucking pain index!? check it-- the schmidt sting pain index. it's a "pain scale rating the relative pain caused by different Hymenopteran stings" (hymenopteran are ants, wasps, and shit like that).

but check out the scale:

1.0 Sweat bee: Light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
1.2 Fire ant: Sharp, sudden, mildly alarming. Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch.
1.8 Bullhorn acacia ant: A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain. Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.
2.0 Bald-faced hornet: Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.
2.0 Yellowjacket: Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.
2.x Honey bee and European hornet: Like a matchhead that flips off and burns on your skin.
3.0 Red harvester ant: Bold and unrelenting. Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail.
3.0 Paper wasp: Caustic & burning. Distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of Hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
4.0 Pepsis wasp: Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath (if you get stung by one you might as well lie down and scream).
4.0+ Bullet ant: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch nail in your heel

bullet ants are out-of-control crazy. they're like an inch long and will cause a green beret to quiver like a babe. i love the description of the pepsis wasp* sting: "blinding, fierce, shockingly electric." or the red harvester ant: "someone using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail." yum. but i think my favorite is the yellowjacket: "hot and smoky." oooh, sounds like a slow-cooked sausage.

you can go ahead and thank me for not making a joke about the ultimate level of pain being "chuck norris," described as, "more painful than watching christ himself backhand your mother like a snaggle-toothed hooker."

*these maniacs eat tarantulas! ain't that some shit? a wasp that eats tarantulas. nature is some fucked up shit.

casey kasem tantrum

2007-08-17T16:21:00.001-07:00

crap, it took me like nearly 6 mins. to find this clip. it's casey kasem freaking out about doing a dedication to some family's dog (snuggles!). he wigs out because he's got to transition from some shitty upbeat pop song into a death dedication. you gotta admit he has a point.

trv cvlt

2007-08-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

well, shit, i've literally listened to nothing but the entire darkthrone discography all week. okay, that's not true-- i've taken some "wuss breaks" to jam along to "chocolate rain" here and there, but other than, it's been strictly 'throne. anyway, so you know what that means: videos.

this is a pretty boring video for "transylvanian hunger," but the song is a classic.

and here's nocturno culto, guitarist/vocalist, discussing the band's studio set up, complete w/ "whole pizza."

tractate it

2007-08-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading philip k. dick's valis. fuck. i'm not even going to try to summarize that shit, save to say that it's like that one night when i smoked weed that was, unbeknownst to me, laced w/ angel dust (in which i saw a pink elephant, not a pink laser, alas). pkd is often called a science fiction writer, and while valis has vague elements of the genre, it's more accurate to think of it as a hallucinogenic fever dream. set in orange county.

good, good stuff. best book i've read in years, by far. but then, i have a soft spot for art that tries to capture that elusive drug-induced hallucinogenic state. call it my bid for nostalgia. from now on, whenever bizarre shit goes down, i'm going to declare it "all valis."