dear sarah larson:

hi.

i know (sort of) what you're going through. i, too, was once dumped. an ex literally wrote me a letter and handed it over and was like, "um, yeah, so it's been nice" and then, not even a week later, she and all her (and some of mine) stuff were gone. no idea that one was coming, but in hindsight, i should've seen it hurtling toward me. i know you're reeling and you're probably thinking he'll see the error of his ways, but i'm sorry to say, he probably won't. my ex was married within, like, six months of us breaking up and your situation involves george clooney and, well, what else needs to be said about that, right?

listen, his name is george. he's old. that's an old guy's name. your last name would've rhymed w/ "gooney"-- you don't want that. i know, i know-- the $$$. the fame. the sojourns to st. tropez. it's still doable. but not w/ him, he's old. wouldn't you rather have a young man? and really, he's not talented. truly, he's not. he plays himself in every role. that's not exciting! anyone can do that. take little old me, for example. i'm talented. and i'm young-- two years your junior. i have time yet to accrue resources and i will do it w/ my skills and my charm. you're a stunningly gorgeous woman and according to this infamous pictures of you, you're fun! i'm fun, too. and young and charming and talented and handsome. i'm no george clooney, but you have to be wary of guys like him. women throw themselves at him and you know that sooner or later he's going to yield. i wouldn't cheat on you. you're so cute-- how could i? unless you're really dumb, then, sorry, but that's a dealbreaker. you don't seem dumb to me, though. yeah, he's famous and a movie star, but clearly a loser. and i think we all know who george is really in love with.