i give up

are you a hipster? of course not. do you know anyone who identifies themselves as a hipster? anyone? no, right? yet supposedly hipsters are everywhere (well, "everywhere" if you live in or near a big city). so how can hipsters be everywhere if no one considers themselves one, probably doesn't consider any of their friends one, and, most important, actively despises them? face it, there's a good chance you're a goddamned hipster. to find out for sure, here's a checklist (since you + all your "non-hipster" friends are all about lists). if you're a hipster, you:

-have a strong opinion on cory kennedy
-have bought at least two things from urban outfitters
-have bought a thing or two from bustedtees, threadless or durkl
-have seen the brown bunny + have a strong opinion on it
-have a strong opinion on vice
-enjoy paper + nylon magazine
-either own or will own a mac
-have either lived in, will live in, or have a strong desire to live in (any or all of the following):

i. l.a.
ii. new york
iii. austin
iv. portland
v. tokyo

-know someone, or know someone who knows someone, who has modeled for american apparel
-are totally over american apparel + their "porn ads"
-are alarmed over all these new anti-smoking laws
-are known for your troubling drunk dialings
-own at least 5 pairs of sunglasses that take up around 70% of your face
-think the like is lame, but claim to love them because everyone else does
-hooked up w/ at least three people at that lcd soundsystem show
-would live in target if at all possible
-make fun of metro park but secretly wouldn't mind working there
-have been telling your friends that you're gonna beat the douche who jacked your visor, but we both know that you won't because you're afraid
-hate on paris but would bone her/hang out w/ her if you ever got the chance
-have lived on a steady diet of: pizza, beer, sushi, in-n-out (if you live in l.a.), pop rox, pixie stix, cupcakes, enchiladas, coke, and SSRIs for the past three years
-still wear your trucker hat around your room when no one's watching ("it's mesh, man-- it breathes!" it's okay, i understand)
-are so riddled w/ insecurity that you compensate by indulging in douchey behavior + mire every gesture + comment w/ so much irony that even you can't tell when you're being serious or not anymore

and lastly, but most importantly, you

-swear up + down that you're not a hipster