charles manson, the father of reality television.
who does he remind you of?
7.31.2007
i really hope herzog isn't next
Michelangelo Antonioni, one of the most innovative and distinctive film-makers of the 20th century, has died at the age of 94. The Italian director died at his home in Rome on Monday evening, less than 24 hours after the death of Ingmar Bergman - that other great giant of European art-house cinema.
via the guardian.
i just got into antonioni, having purchased the passenger recently w/ out ever having seen it. it seemed like one of those rare films you could take a gamble on + be paid handsomely. needless to say, it was a risk worth taking.
7.30.2007
(insert some pun on a van halen song title here)
bring back glam has three clips of all three incarnations of van halen performing "ain't talkin' 'bout love" live. the first clip is w/ gary cherone, the second w/ hagar, and the third w/ roth. cherone, whose era was notoriously ill-advised, is easily the worst. he's an interesting performer to watch, but his voice is weak. it sucks because the dude had immeasurable odds stacked against him. it's bad enough to have to fill roth's shoes, but roth's and hagar's? as much as i dig evh for what he's done w/ guitar, it's basically impossible to deny the fact that all the derision in van halen is most likely because of him. if you're in a band + you go through three lead singers, what is the constant in that equation? now even michael anthony is out of the band. the only people evh can get along w/ on any longterm basis seem to be blood relatives. i say these things because evh changed the way people approached rock guitar + it'd be rad if the dude could give us some more music before he keels over. as a guitar player, it's damned near impossible not to be influenced by him in some way. even if you hate him + his style, you're still affected by him. anyway, for me hagar will always be the best vocalist of the three, but as far as all that pure rock n' roll shit goes, roth is easily the quintessential van halen frontman. the band sounds the best in the roth-era clip (alex is going overkill w/ kick drum-- you're not in krisiun, dude), even though roth himself approaches the vocals as a sort of afterthought-- wowee, i'm sooooo getting head tonight by an 18-year-old-- oh, fuck: looks like i missed that chorus. zow, can i get some panties in my face or what!?
take me to the moor
i'm bored, feeling retarded, and unable to focus on schoolwork, of which i have a shitload to do. i'm listening to the smiths, so here is my top 10 list of smith songs:
10. panic
9. handsome devil
8. some girls are bigger than others
7. please please let me get what i want
6. this charming man
5. the headmaster ritual
4. how soon is now?
3. oscillate wildly
2. last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
1. suffer little children
i know i left out some "fan faves" but for me, these songs are the band's best. i also realize that "how soon is now?" is played out, but i can't help it-- it was the song that turned me onto the band. i was all of 11 or 12 when my older brother came under morrissey's spell, yet i found his whining deplorable. but try as hard as i might, "how soon is now?" became something of an obsession of mine. these days, though, i prefer the single release of the song-- not only is it succinct, but i think its edit is more effective than the studio version.
10. panic
9. handsome devil
8. some girls are bigger than others
7. please please let me get what i want
6. this charming man
5. the headmaster ritual
4. how soon is now?
3. oscillate wildly
2. last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
1. suffer little children
i know i left out some "fan faves" but for me, these songs are the band's best. i also realize that "how soon is now?" is played out, but i can't help it-- it was the song that turned me onto the band. i was all of 11 or 12 when my older brother came under morrissey's spell, yet i found his whining deplorable. but try as hard as i might, "how soon is now?" became something of an obsession of mine. these days, though, i prefer the single release of the song-- not only is it succinct, but i think its edit is more effective than the studio version.
tom snyder
tom snyder died yesterday. here he is interviewing john lydon + keith levene.
part II:
lydon is his usual warm, comedic self whilst levene is high out of his skull + resembles something along the lines of a frightened pomeranian.
snyder, the poor bastard, had no idea what he was getting himself into messing about w/ lydon's nuttiness. he + lydon have some terrific back-and-forth at about the 3:34 mark in the first clip where snyder asks why pil is so against rock n' roll, which, of course, prompts lydon to rant majestically on the subject. this, inevitably, segues into the sex pistols:
snyder: who thought of the name the sex pistols?
lydon: some animal. i can't remember. it doesn't matter, it's history.
snyder: well, i think history matters--
lydon: history does not matter. i mean, your program is called tomorrow. there must be a reason behind that.
snyder: unless we remember our yesterdays, there can be no tomorrows.
lydon: (mocking)
christ, were these two married or what?
in any event, this is riveting stuff. you rarely, if ever, see this sort of thing on tv anymore.
part II:
lydon is his usual warm, comedic self whilst levene is high out of his skull + resembles something along the lines of a frightened pomeranian.
snyder, the poor bastard, had no idea what he was getting himself into messing about w/ lydon's nuttiness. he + lydon have some terrific back-and-forth at about the 3:34 mark in the first clip where snyder asks why pil is so against rock n' roll, which, of course, prompts lydon to rant majestically on the subject. this, inevitably, segues into the sex pistols:
snyder: who thought of the name the sex pistols?
lydon: some animal. i can't remember. it doesn't matter, it's history.
snyder: well, i think history matters--
lydon: history does not matter. i mean, your program is called tomorrow. there must be a reason behind that.
snyder: unless we remember our yesterdays, there can be no tomorrows.
lydon: (mocking)
christ, were these two married or what?
in any event, this is riveting stuff. you rarely, if ever, see this sort of thing on tv anymore.
7.26.2007
i give up
are you a hipster? of course not. do you know anyone who identifies themselves as a hipster? anyone? no, right? yet supposedly hipsters are everywhere (well, "everywhere" if you live in or near a big city). so how can hipsters be everywhere if no one considers themselves one, probably doesn't consider any of their friends one, and, most important, actively despises them? face it, there's a good chance you're a goddamned hipster. to find out for sure, here's a checklist (since you + all your "non-hipster" friends are all about lists). if you're a hipster, you:
-have a strong opinion on cory kennedy
-have bought at least two things from urban outfitters
-have bought a thing or two from bustedtees, threadless or durkl
-have seen the brown bunny + have a strong opinion on it
-have a strong opinion on vice
-enjoy paper + nylon magazine
-either own or will own a mac
-have either lived in, will live in, or have a strong desire to live in (any or all of the following):
i. l.a.
ii. new york
iii. austin
iv. portland
v. tokyo
-know someone, or know someone who knows someone, who has modeled for american apparel
-are totally over american apparel + their "porn ads"
-are alarmed over all these new anti-smoking laws
-are known for your troubling drunk dialings
-own at least 5 pairs of sunglasses that take up around 70% of your face
-think the like is lame, but claim to love them because everyone else does
-hooked up w/ at least three people at that lcd soundsystem show
-would live in target if at all possible
-make fun of metro park but secretly wouldn't mind working there
-have been telling your friends that you're gonna beat the douche who jacked your visor, but we both know that you won't because you're afraid
-hate on paris but would bone her/hang out w/ her if you ever got the chance
-have lived on a steady diet of: pizza, beer, sushi, in-n-out (if you live in l.a.), pop rox, pixie stix, cupcakes, enchiladas, coke, and SSRIs for the past three years
-still wear your trucker hat around your room when no one's watching ("it's mesh, man-- it breathes!" it's okay, i understand)
-are so riddled w/ insecurity that you compensate by indulging in douchey behavior + mire every gesture + comment w/ so much irony that even you can't tell when you're being serious or not anymore
and lastly, but most importantly, you
-swear up + down that you're not a hipster
-have a strong opinion on cory kennedy
-have bought at least two things from urban outfitters
-have bought a thing or two from bustedtees, threadless or durkl
-have seen the brown bunny + have a strong opinion on it
-have a strong opinion on vice
-enjoy paper + nylon magazine
-either own or will own a mac
-have either lived in, will live in, or have a strong desire to live in (any or all of the following):
i. l.a.
ii. new york
iii. austin
iv. portland
v. tokyo
-know someone, or know someone who knows someone, who has modeled for american apparel
-are totally over american apparel + their "porn ads"
-are alarmed over all these new anti-smoking laws
-are known for your troubling drunk dialings
-own at least 5 pairs of sunglasses that take up around 70% of your face
-think the like is lame, but claim to love them because everyone else does
-hooked up w/ at least three people at that lcd soundsystem show
-would live in target if at all possible
-make fun of metro park but secretly wouldn't mind working there
-have been telling your friends that you're gonna beat the douche who jacked your visor, but we both know that you won't because you're afraid
-hate on paris but would bone her/hang out w/ her if you ever got the chance
-have lived on a steady diet of: pizza, beer, sushi, in-n-out (if you live in l.a.), pop rox, pixie stix, cupcakes, enchiladas, coke, and SSRIs for the past three years
-still wear your trucker hat around your room when no one's watching ("it's mesh, man-- it breathes!" it's okay, i understand)
-are so riddled w/ insecurity that you compensate by indulging in douchey behavior + mire every gesture + comment w/ so much irony that even you can't tell when you're being serious or not anymore
and lastly, but most importantly, you
-swear up + down that you're not a hipster
omfg l0llersk8z
how high is your threshold for pain? if astronomical, you might want to watch this infanticide of an interview wherein holly hunter is interviewed by someone whose college tuition was indeed money well spent.
"uh, so, like, remember when you were in the beatles?"
"yes."
pause.
"that was, like, uh, really amazing."
okay, it's like that, but worse.
"uh, so, like, remember when you were in the beatles?"
"yes."
pause.
"that was, like, uh, really amazing."
okay, it's like that, but worse.
7.24.2007
contemporary music isn't the only relevant music
here's public image ltd., aka, greatest band of the 20th century "second" only to every miles davis band, performing "careering" on tv. note the host's comment at the end of the clip.
and here they are giving a dreamlike rendition of "poptones." this is fucking astonishing-- not nearly long enough. they could've played this for an hour straight + i would be riveted.
on 11
is lightning bolt the best band around? well, no, but they're pretty fucking high up there. can lightning bolt kill all other bands? very likely (save for the dillinger escape plan, maybe).
a few things:
bands w/ out a bass player aren't bands at all (i'm looking at you, jack white)
punk rock is dead
that whole new york scene is dead
indie/scene/whatever is dead
a few things:
bands w/ out a bass player aren't bands at all (i'm looking at you, jack white)
punk rock is dead
that whole new york scene is dead
indie/scene/whatever is dead
cleveland, in fact, does not rock
i don't even watch the price is right, yet i'm bothered that drew fucking carey will be the new host of the show. drew carey? i fucking hate drew carey. why? who thinks to go from b. barker to drew carey? that whole swanson-steak-dinner-crew-cut thing was tired in 1959, yet this blubberous fuck's career prevails. why? W H Y. somebody gonna lose they job behind this!
7.21.2007
impromptu reviews
yea, this here be a music blog, but unlike basically every other music blog, i don't limit myself to one particular genre, nor am i only interested in contemporary music. also, i'm a musician, so that lends a bit of cred to the proceedings, no? (or maybe just the opposite, if you still follow the commandments of that hack lester bangs, who supposedly loved music but despised musicians; he was above all of our petty emotions, you see.) and so i click through your standard list of music blogs + my general reaction is, "what? why?" take the unanimous praise of the new leslie feist album. in truth, it's awful. her previous album had this cool '70s r&b thing going on, but this new one is mired in tepid, precious indie rock shit, which, i suppose, is why music bloggers like it so much. same w/ the new lcd soundsystem. good god, that thing is horrid! you're supposed to dance to this mess? wait, actual dancing or that jagged, angular, spastic shit all the billysburg douches do? and while we're on the subject of turds-- bjork's volta. christ. bjork has always been a love/hate thing for me: i royally loathe some of her stuff + obsessively love some of her stuff. for instance, i thought medulla was, largely, boring (and i'm all for "avant garde" shit-- stockhausen 4eva), but "desired constellation" is probably in my top 10 favorite songs ever list, so there you have it. this volta business, though, is just busted any which way you slice it.
so what have i heard lately that i've liked? pelican's city of echoes. definitely their best yet, in my opinion. i was a little nervous there because the fire in our throats will beckon the thaw never really grew on me (thought they were drifting into explosions in the sky territory). and, all praise be to allah, there's audible bass + drums in the mix this time! not only that, but loud, slap-you-around bass + drums. they actually sound like a band this time + not just two guitarists backed by vague impressions of a rhythm section. if you've always been intrigued by, or at least appreciative of metal music, but turned off by the vocals, pelican may be a band to invest in. they're solely instrumental, but not purely metal. their music is epic, spacious, slow, melodic w/ a decent amount of acoustic guitar + smatterings of piano thrown in every now + then. another recent release i dig is cinematic orchestra's ma fleur. it's like a culmination of all their previous albums, but w/ more acoustic instruments + less programmed beats. i really can't say if i think it'll hold up to their first two albums at this point-- blessed time can only tell. i can say that it's damned good, if a little uneven + treacly at times. if instrumental, downbeat, "chill" "nu-jazz" sounds at all appealing to you (think of a nighttime cityscape in the dead of winter + you're close to the images cinematic orchestra's music conjures up), then co can do you no harm.
oldie but goodie recommendation: public image ltd.'s first issue. it's fundamental. it's also what all of these whack-ass billysburg bands have been ripping off for the past 5 years. and while you're at it, pick up some miles davis + siouxsie sioux. these three can teach you quite a bit about the human voice.
by the way, the new velvet revolver is rubbish. it's so bad i'm inclined to state that slash sucks. really, stop beating the dead rock horse. i still can't believe they have a song titled "just sixteen"-- wow, that's only so 60 years ago. "straight up fucking rock n' roll"-- cutting edge as always.
so what have i heard lately that i've liked? pelican's city of echoes. definitely their best yet, in my opinion. i was a little nervous there because the fire in our throats will beckon the thaw never really grew on me (thought they were drifting into explosions in the sky territory). and, all praise be to allah, there's audible bass + drums in the mix this time! not only that, but loud, slap-you-around bass + drums. they actually sound like a band this time + not just two guitarists backed by vague impressions of a rhythm section. if you've always been intrigued by, or at least appreciative of metal music, but turned off by the vocals, pelican may be a band to invest in. they're solely instrumental, but not purely metal. their music is epic, spacious, slow, melodic w/ a decent amount of acoustic guitar + smatterings of piano thrown in every now + then. another recent release i dig is cinematic orchestra's ma fleur. it's like a culmination of all their previous albums, but w/ more acoustic instruments + less programmed beats. i really can't say if i think it'll hold up to their first two albums at this point-- blessed time can only tell. i can say that it's damned good, if a little uneven + treacly at times. if instrumental, downbeat, "chill" "nu-jazz" sounds at all appealing to you (think of a nighttime cityscape in the dead of winter + you're close to the images cinematic orchestra's music conjures up), then co can do you no harm.
oldie but goodie recommendation: public image ltd.'s first issue. it's fundamental. it's also what all of these whack-ass billysburg bands have been ripping off for the past 5 years. and while you're at it, pick up some miles davis + siouxsie sioux. these three can teach you quite a bit about the human voice.
by the way, the new velvet revolver is rubbish. it's so bad i'm inclined to state that slash sucks. really, stop beating the dead rock horse. i still can't believe they have a song titled "just sixteen"-- wow, that's only so 60 years ago. "straight up fucking rock n' roll"-- cutting edge as always.
7.20.2007
how dare you!
this is an interesting radio program about blogging + the willful decrease in privacy. while i was once a very open blogger, i have to admit that i look back at those old blogs + cringe at how forthcoming i was about things. cringe because, really, why would i presume to think that anyone could care about how i got shitfaced + drunk e-mailed someone? the majority of my friends don't care about such things-- why would strangers? why was i so earnest to share that? there was no real artistry or craft behind the confession; it was just a "oh, hey, i did such and such. + wasn't it all so wonderfully emo?"
one of the guests on the program, amongst a psychology today editor + a sociology professor, is a blogger named irina kendall. the moments were she speaks are the most entertaining to me. she talks in that unsure, wavering manner so common amongst my general peers, where every sentence, no matter its context, is stricken w/ inquisitory inflection. "well, like, i started my blog a few years ago(?) and i've never really had that problem(?). um, but yeah, i don't think that, like, blogs are the end of privacy(?)." abrupt pause before abruptly resuming: "but i don't think the internet's sole responsibility should be for social change(?). it's redefining relationships(?)." i'm still devastated the word "empowering" wasn't thrown in. so unpredictable, that blogosphere.
at the risk of sounding like some curmudgeonly dick, i do think there's been an erosion of certain desirable societal traits. the unabashed collective confessional has birthed a rather large social body of self-obsessed dullards, dutifully preoccupied w/ their own opinions, yet not really having opinions that in any way differ from the 780 other bloggers featured in their blogrolls (and blissfully unaware of that irony). sure, it's great that we live in a society where one is free to express one's opinions; unfortunately, that greatness rarely transfers onto the opinions themselves. and why the vehement insistence on getting these opinions across? where we raised in gulags? we're like rich kids whining about our right to have money.
i think, though, that what's begun to make me uneasy about all of this is a suspicion i have about this insistent right to blog about any + everything spilling over from the realm of boring self-promotion to blatant defamation. the biggest, fattest, gnarliest, cherub-cheekiest example being mario laundromat, aka "perez hilton" and his rather self-righteous crusade to out anyone he suspects of being queer. what's that bit about people who think they're doing good doing the most damage? ah, well, so it goes: self-righteousness + blogging go hand in hand, as is exemplified by "web 2.0"'s general bluster about "changing the fucking universe" (tip: you're beginning to sound like baby boomers) via youtube + twitter. no doubt, dude. just like betamax, right?
anyway, call me a romantic, but i find myself longing for a bit of mystery. just a little bit; enough to keep me on my toes. recently i found out something about em that (pleasantly) surprised me. it was inadvertent + she was embarrassed at first, but we had great fun over it. what was it? fuck if i'll tell you.
one of the guests on the program, amongst a psychology today editor + a sociology professor, is a blogger named irina kendall. the moments were she speaks are the most entertaining to me. she talks in that unsure, wavering manner so common amongst my general peers, where every sentence, no matter its context, is stricken w/ inquisitory inflection. "well, like, i started my blog a few years ago(?) and i've never really had that problem(?). um, but yeah, i don't think that, like, blogs are the end of privacy(?)." abrupt pause before abruptly resuming: "but i don't think the internet's sole responsibility should be for social change(?). it's redefining relationships(?)." i'm still devastated the word "empowering" wasn't thrown in. so unpredictable, that blogosphere.
at the risk of sounding like some curmudgeonly dick, i do think there's been an erosion of certain desirable societal traits. the unabashed collective confessional has birthed a rather large social body of self-obsessed dullards, dutifully preoccupied w/ their own opinions, yet not really having opinions that in any way differ from the 780 other bloggers featured in their blogrolls (and blissfully unaware of that irony). sure, it's great that we live in a society where one is free to express one's opinions; unfortunately, that greatness rarely transfers onto the opinions themselves. and why the vehement insistence on getting these opinions across? where we raised in gulags? we're like rich kids whining about our right to have money.
i think, though, that what's begun to make me uneasy about all of this is a suspicion i have about this insistent right to blog about any + everything spilling over from the realm of boring self-promotion to blatant defamation. the biggest, fattest, gnarliest, cherub-cheekiest example being mario laundromat, aka "perez hilton" and his rather self-righteous crusade to out anyone he suspects of being queer. what's that bit about people who think they're doing good doing the most damage? ah, well, so it goes: self-righteousness + blogging go hand in hand, as is exemplified by "web 2.0"'s general bluster about "changing the fucking universe" (tip: you're beginning to sound like baby boomers) via youtube + twitter. no doubt, dude. just like betamax, right?
anyway, call me a romantic, but i find myself longing for a bit of mystery. just a little bit; enough to keep me on my toes. recently i found out something about em that (pleasantly) surprised me. it was inadvertent + she was embarrassed at first, but we had great fun over it. what was it? fuck if i'll tell you.
genius doesn't need fancy rules
courtney "arts & letters" love spins up a myspace missive:
as michael k said: "Wrap your brain around that. Actually, don't. You might get contact high and then your boss will fire you, you'll lose your house, you'll end up on the streets, you'll have to turn to smoking crack to fill the pain and then you'll start writing crap like this on your MySpace and I'll have to make fun of you."
idolator has more:
there are so many gems here, but i particularly love "JUST ROCK WITH US" and that bit about "times courier" font, which, in a word salad like this, provides that extra bit of postmodern/meta spice that delights the kids like so many nipple slips + mash-ups.
"we were doing our hair( thew girls) way up in that ugly crazy building and couyld seeyou all for blocks, it was wild-= i told my peeps top go get bvoys wiuth skateboards and giurls whow ere into stefani, no offense to truyew fans i just felt like a challenge- if someone sreally into stefani to me that says they dontw anta nty trouble in thoe rlives, want very mucbh to be p[opular abnd accepted, wnatto be trendy but niot dangerous, and the idea of forcin gthat waznna be popular girl to face the fear cdoes somethin for me./plus im startinga clotyhing line this year too, just higher end and the lowerr end wont be about a font. i wouldbnt do that iu fond that crass somehow= a sportsac ten times the prio ce because it has ther same cuddle bear sweeetoe pie sign off that Rossdale used to sign hios letters to me with in a Times Courier font ? maybve its me, i know perfeume has a 800 -1200% profit markup so if one "brands" oneself well enough one can cash it in big an d hard by selling a perfume wethe rone gioves a shot about the smell opr not- kudos to madge for forgoinmg that , because nop way hads she not been asked. L.A.M.B. heh, well look its not fo rme to judge- im far mior eonteretsed in amazin g lingerie enyways and if i design a bag itll be fabulous"
as michael k said: "Wrap your brain around that. Actually, don't. You might get contact high and then your boss will fire you, you'll lose your house, you'll end up on the streets, you'll have to turn to smoking crack to fill the pain and then you'll start writing crap like this on your MySpace and I'll have to make fun of you."
idolator has more:
"wehn im onstage for some reason, i dxont read my press, i just know who after allthese years is after me and whop willgive me a shake, if i blow it thats my frault, but someone told me new york mnagazine had got in and i just said please do0nt speak abnother word, thetyre so orrelevant noone reads it and its so transparent, until the regim e there changes they wiull always have an agenda and it is sexist and ageist and lame, if one daY THEY GAVE me the greatest review in the world i still woildnt read it
"PS. I DO NOT DRINK. I DO AND HAVE NOT TRASHED A HOTEL ROOM IN MANY MANY YEARS AND MY SEX AND PERSONAL LIFE IS BELOW THE RADAR DISCRETE, I WOULD NOT BE PHOTOGRAPHED WITH THE PERSON I AM INTIMATE WITH, SO STOP TRYING TO GUESS AND JUST ROCK WITH US."
there are so many gems here, but i particularly love "JUST ROCK WITH US" and that bit about "times courier" font, which, in a word salad like this, provides that extra bit of postmodern/meta spice that delights the kids like so many nipple slips + mash-ups.
7.10.2007
tips 4 success
as any self-obsessed indie rocker (redundant?) will tell you, it's dang hard to blow up! first, your fans want you to blow up, then ya do and they end up hating you. but wait: how do you even get fans? no worry, i'm here to help. follow these 7 guidelines + you'll be on pitchfork's + stereogum's year-end best-of lists in no time.
1. pick a nonsensical/bland/ironic band name
modest mouse, death cab for cutie, the strokes, the shins, the yeah yeah yeahs, the white stripes, clap your hands say yeah, the cold war kids, the like, the arctic monkeys, the hold steady, etc. on the face of it, these are all rather ridiculous + stupid names for bands, but that's the genius of it. i mean, as an adult male would you want to name your band "death cab for cutie"? but, again, that's the genius of it. it's "subversive" + ironic or some variation thereof. and we all know there are no monkeys in the arctic, but that's why it's sooooo amazing. so pick something brilliantly annoying or nondescript. like: the you, the Os (or the OS and go on stage w/ nothing but macbooks), the wet stickers, the lols, the go-getter kids, the yes no, the meh, etc.
2. use only two brands of instruments
this is the unfun part, since it has to do w/ boring stuff like actually playing music, but it's gotta be addressed. if you're gonna be in a band, you're gonna have to touch an instrument, and if it's an indie rock band, you've got to have someone playing guitar, drums, and bass and possibly piano. the drum kit must be a one-bass drum type deal w/ only a few cymbals-- nothing fancy. as far as guitar + bass go, you must either get a fender or a gibson. w/ fenders, you should get a stratocaster, a jaguar, or a telecaster. telecasters are your best bet-- they're the total embodiment of that whole no-frills "totally rock" thing. w/ gibsons, you'll either use a les paul or an es-335. these guitars are sufficiently vintage. other people will tell you that there are other kinds of guitars, but this is crap-- only gibsons + fenders are worth anything. everybody knows that!
2a. you're going to use a lot of acoustic guitar, too, because that's more "real" than electric. it doesn't really matter what brand of acoustic you use since they all basically look the same, but don't get one that's painted some fancy color-- use only the ones w/ natural finishes. and if you're going to play an acoustic, please, only strum the same four chords. don't do fancy picking w/ arpeggios or something-- leave that stuff to the guitar geeks. (wait, i thought being a geek was a good thing? not when it comes to musicianship, man!)
3. be clever
writing interesting music isn't as important as writing clever-ass lyrics. in fact, you can be a second rate bar band, but if you write clever lyrics, people will line up to blow your three inches of wowness. look at the hold steady. musically, they're just horrid. it's like if you took watered-down midwestern john-hughes rock, watered it down further to the point of drowning, then farted, you would have the hold steady. but their frontman craig finn is really this frustrated novelist who comes up w/ narratives for the hold steady's tepid uncle rock, and indie rock journalists just love that kind of shit. see, music journalists are not musicians-- they're writers. showy musicianship doesn't impress them; indeed, it offends them. what they like is showy lyrics. it's kind of hard to quote music in a review, isn't it? but they can quote clever lyrics. knowing a thing or two about music theory is seen as masturbatory + "elitist." it's forbidden to show off on your guitar (or worse yet: bass or drums), but the lyricist/singer is all but encouraged to showcase his ego w/ puns, pop culture references, allusions to derrida, casual put downs of inferior musics, etc. it makes rock journalists feel really good about themselves if they get your incoherent melange of references. you'll become pitchfork's anointed in no time.
4. all treble all the time
if your vocalist is male, it would be wise to advise him to sing in a balls-in-a-vice falsetto, that isn't so much a falsetto, but more of a ghastly, adolescent whine. prince sings in a falsetto, jake shears sings in a falsetto-- you don't want that. you want a cringe-inducing, nasally whine that borders on hysteria. think clap your hands say yeah. and while we're at it, turn the bass down. you don't want anything w/ lower frequencies, as it could be construed as threatening + may cost you potential fans at smith.
5. proper appearance
it's important to cultivate the appropriate dress + style if one wishes for success as an indie rocker. if you're a guy, it is most desirable to be impossibly skinny-- let's say 170 if you're 6'2 (adjust for varied height). however, don't despair as it is also acceptable to have a bit of a paunch. the dough-boy look w/ proper corresponding beard is increasingly commonplace; and the importance of a thick beard cannot be understated. you must have at least one band member w/ a beard. as for women, since indie rock is steeped in feminist politics, it is common to see women of various sizes; relatively speaking in comparison to pop personalities, that is. it would behoove both genders to wear pop culture t-shirts that say stuff like, "yo! mtv raps," "ghostbusters," or even ironic metal stuff like an iron maiden or motorhead tees (deep down know that metal is beneath you).
6. rip off a new wave/post-punk band but claim never to have heard said band
most likely, there was a band about 20-25 years ago who sounded remarkably a lot like your band. they had the amazing ability to time travel + steal your band's sound, but everyone will think you're "funny" if you dare speak the truth, so it's best to act as if they "came before" your band; however, swear up + down you've never heard this band before. sure, your look, demeanor, sound bites, etc. are all remarkably similar to this band, but you've never heard them before. it doesn't matter; anything older than 5 mins. ago is for losers, anyway. except for punk. all hail iggy.
7. scoff at the suggestion of "selling out"
that stuff's for kids. nobody really believes that selling your music to the latest McG vehicle is "selling out, man." that attitude is for losers (and you, my friend, are a winner). yeah, the whole umbrella is called "indie rock," but that's just a marketing thing. indie rock is a good niche to tap into + cultivate your brand. musically, indie rock and pop aren't that different. it's all image. the unknowns who actually sang milli vanilli's "girl you know it's true" are "indie"; rob + fab are pop. you see what i'm saying here? pop has just been full of pretty faces and hard bodies, whereas indie rock has been full of zits and greasy hair. but musically, maybe a degree or two apart. indie rock journalists only care about hooks. if you can write poppy, catchy music, you're in. that's all that matters. see, no different from pop music. this is the most important thing to remember. soon adam brody will pimp your band out on his next conan appearance.
1. pick a nonsensical/bland/ironic band name
modest mouse, death cab for cutie, the strokes, the shins, the yeah yeah yeahs, the white stripes, clap your hands say yeah, the cold war kids, the like, the arctic monkeys, the hold steady, etc. on the face of it, these are all rather ridiculous + stupid names for bands, but that's the genius of it. i mean, as an adult male would you want to name your band "death cab for cutie"? but, again, that's the genius of it. it's "subversive" + ironic or some variation thereof. and we all know there are no monkeys in the arctic, but that's why it's sooooo amazing. so pick something brilliantly annoying or nondescript. like: the you, the Os (or the OS and go on stage w/ nothing but macbooks), the wet stickers, the lols, the go-getter kids, the yes no, the meh, etc.
2. use only two brands of instruments
this is the unfun part, since it has to do w/ boring stuff like actually playing music, but it's gotta be addressed. if you're gonna be in a band, you're gonna have to touch an instrument, and if it's an indie rock band, you've got to have someone playing guitar, drums, and bass and possibly piano. the drum kit must be a one-bass drum type deal w/ only a few cymbals-- nothing fancy. as far as guitar + bass go, you must either get a fender or a gibson. w/ fenders, you should get a stratocaster, a jaguar, or a telecaster. telecasters are your best bet-- they're the total embodiment of that whole no-frills "totally rock" thing. w/ gibsons, you'll either use a les paul or an es-335. these guitars are sufficiently vintage. other people will tell you that there are other kinds of guitars, but this is crap-- only gibsons + fenders are worth anything. everybody knows that!
2a. you're going to use a lot of acoustic guitar, too, because that's more "real" than electric. it doesn't really matter what brand of acoustic you use since they all basically look the same, but don't get one that's painted some fancy color-- use only the ones w/ natural finishes. and if you're going to play an acoustic, please, only strum the same four chords. don't do fancy picking w/ arpeggios or something-- leave that stuff to the guitar geeks. (wait, i thought being a geek was a good thing? not when it comes to musicianship, man!)
3. be clever
writing interesting music isn't as important as writing clever-ass lyrics. in fact, you can be a second rate bar band, but if you write clever lyrics, people will line up to blow your three inches of wowness. look at the hold steady. musically, they're just horrid. it's like if you took watered-down midwestern john-hughes rock, watered it down further to the point of drowning, then farted, you would have the hold steady. but their frontman craig finn is really this frustrated novelist who comes up w/ narratives for the hold steady's tepid uncle rock, and indie rock journalists just love that kind of shit. see, music journalists are not musicians-- they're writers. showy musicianship doesn't impress them; indeed, it offends them. what they like is showy lyrics. it's kind of hard to quote music in a review, isn't it? but they can quote clever lyrics. knowing a thing or two about music theory is seen as masturbatory + "elitist." it's forbidden to show off on your guitar (or worse yet: bass or drums), but the lyricist/singer is all but encouraged to showcase his ego w/ puns, pop culture references, allusions to derrida, casual put downs of inferior musics, etc. it makes rock journalists feel really good about themselves if they get your incoherent melange of references. you'll become pitchfork's anointed in no time.
4. all treble all the time
if your vocalist is male, it would be wise to advise him to sing in a balls-in-a-vice falsetto, that isn't so much a falsetto, but more of a ghastly, adolescent whine. prince sings in a falsetto, jake shears sings in a falsetto-- you don't want that. you want a cringe-inducing, nasally whine that borders on hysteria. think clap your hands say yeah. and while we're at it, turn the bass down. you don't want anything w/ lower frequencies, as it could be construed as threatening + may cost you potential fans at smith.
5. proper appearance
it's important to cultivate the appropriate dress + style if one wishes for success as an indie rocker. if you're a guy, it is most desirable to be impossibly skinny-- let's say 170 if you're 6'2 (adjust for varied height). however, don't despair as it is also acceptable to have a bit of a paunch. the dough-boy look w/ proper corresponding beard is increasingly commonplace; and the importance of a thick beard cannot be understated. you must have at least one band member w/ a beard. as for women, since indie rock is steeped in feminist politics, it is common to see women of various sizes; relatively speaking in comparison to pop personalities, that is. it would behoove both genders to wear pop culture t-shirts that say stuff like, "yo! mtv raps," "ghostbusters," or even ironic metal stuff like an iron maiden or motorhead tees (deep down know that metal is beneath you).
6. rip off a new wave/post-punk band but claim never to have heard said band
most likely, there was a band about 20-25 years ago who sounded remarkably a lot like your band. they had the amazing ability to time travel + steal your band's sound, but everyone will think you're "funny" if you dare speak the truth, so it's best to act as if they "came before" your band; however, swear up + down you've never heard this band before. sure, your look, demeanor, sound bites, etc. are all remarkably similar to this band, but you've never heard them before. it doesn't matter; anything older than 5 mins. ago is for losers, anyway. except for punk. all hail iggy.
7. scoff at the suggestion of "selling out"
that stuff's for kids. nobody really believes that selling your music to the latest McG vehicle is "selling out, man." that attitude is for losers (and you, my friend, are a winner). yeah, the whole umbrella is called "indie rock," but that's just a marketing thing. indie rock is a good niche to tap into + cultivate your brand. musically, indie rock and pop aren't that different. it's all image. the unknowns who actually sang milli vanilli's "girl you know it's true" are "indie"; rob + fab are pop. you see what i'm saying here? pop has just been full of pretty faces and hard bodies, whereas indie rock has been full of zits and greasy hair. but musically, maybe a degree or two apart. indie rock journalists only care about hooks. if you can write poppy, catchy music, you're in. that's all that matters. see, no different from pop music. this is the most important thing to remember. soon adam brody will pimp your band out on his next conan appearance.
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