as any self-obsessed indie rocker (redundant?) will tell you, it's dang hard to blow up! first, your fans want you to blow up, then ya do and they end up hating you. but wait: how do you even get fans? no worry, i'm here to help. follow these 7 guidelines + you'll be on pitchfork's + stereogum's year-end best-of lists in no time.
1. pick a nonsensical/bland/ironic band name
modest mouse, death cab for cutie, the strokes, the shins, the yeah yeah yeahs, the white stripes, clap your hands say yeah, the cold war kids, the like, the arctic monkeys, the hold steady, etc. on the face of it, these are all rather ridiculous + stupid names for bands, but that's the genius of it. i mean, as an adult male would you want to name your band "death cab for cutie"? but, again, that's the genius of it. it's "subversive" + ironic or some variation thereof. and we all know there are no monkeys in the arctic, but that's why it's sooooo amazing. so pick something brilliantly annoying or nondescript. like: the you, the Os (or the OS and go on stage w/ nothing but macbooks), the wet stickers, the lols, the go-getter kids, the yes no, the meh, etc.
2. use only two brands of instruments
this is the unfun part, since it has to do w/ boring stuff like actually playing music, but it's gotta be addressed. if you're gonna be in a band, you're gonna have to touch an instrument, and if it's an indie rock band, you've got to have someone playing guitar, drums, and bass and possibly piano. the drum kit must be a one-bass drum type deal w/ only a few cymbals-- nothing fancy. as far as guitar + bass go, you must either get a fender or a gibson. w/ fenders, you should get a stratocaster, a jaguar, or a telecaster. telecasters are your best bet-- they're the total embodiment of that whole no-frills "totally rock" thing. w/ gibsons, you'll either use a les paul or an es-335. these guitars are sufficiently vintage. other people will tell you that there are other kinds of guitars, but this is crap-- only gibsons + fenders are worth anything. everybody knows that!
2a. you're going to use a lot of acoustic guitar, too, because that's more "real" than electric. it doesn't really matter what brand of acoustic you use since they all basically look the same, but don't get one that's painted some fancy color-- use only the ones w/ natural finishes. and if you're going to play an acoustic, please, only strum the same four chords. don't do fancy picking w/ arpeggios or something-- leave that stuff to the guitar geeks. (wait, i thought being a geek was a good thing? not when it comes to musicianship, man!)
3. be clever
writing interesting music isn't as important as writing clever-ass lyrics. in fact, you can be a second rate bar band, but if you write clever lyrics, people will line up to blow your three inches of wowness. look at the hold steady. musically, they're just horrid. it's like if you took watered-down midwestern john-hughes rock, watered it down further to the point of drowning, then farted, you would have the hold steady. but their frontman craig finn is really this frustrated novelist who comes up w/ narratives for the hold steady's tepid uncle rock, and indie rock journalists just love that kind of shit. see, music journalists are not musicians-- they're writers. showy musicianship doesn't impress them; indeed, it offends them. what they like is showy lyrics. it's kind of hard to quote music in a review, isn't it? but they can quote clever lyrics. knowing a thing or two about music theory is seen as masturbatory + "elitist." it's forbidden to show off on your guitar (or worse yet: bass or drums), but the lyricist/singer is all but encouraged to showcase his ego w/ puns, pop culture references, allusions to derrida, casual put downs of inferior musics, etc. it makes rock journalists feel really good about themselves if they get your incoherent melange of references. you'll become pitchfork's anointed in no time.
4. all treble all the time
if your vocalist is male, it would be wise to advise him to sing in a balls-in-a-vice falsetto, that isn't so much a falsetto, but more of a ghastly, adolescent whine. prince sings in a falsetto, jake shears sings in a falsetto-- you don't want that. you want a cringe-inducing, nasally whine that borders on hysteria. think clap your hands say yeah. and while we're at it, turn the bass down. you don't want anything w/ lower frequencies, as it could be construed as threatening + may cost you potential fans at smith.
5. proper appearance
it's important to cultivate the appropriate dress + style if one wishes for success as an indie rocker. if you're a guy, it is most desirable to be impossibly skinny-- let's say 170 if you're 6'2 (adjust for varied height). however, don't despair as it is also acceptable to have a bit of a paunch. the dough-boy look w/ proper corresponding beard is increasingly commonplace; and the importance of a thick beard cannot be understated. you must have at least one band member w/ a beard. as for women, since indie rock is steeped in feminist politics, it is common to see women of various sizes; relatively speaking in comparison to pop personalities, that is. it would behoove both genders to wear pop culture t-shirts that say stuff like, "yo! mtv raps," "ghostbusters," or even ironic metal stuff like an iron maiden or motorhead tees (deep down know that metal is beneath you).
6. rip off a new wave/post-punk band but claim never to have heard said band
most likely, there was a band about 20-25 years ago who sounded remarkably a lot like your band. they had the amazing ability to time travel + steal your band's sound, but everyone will think you're "funny" if you dare speak the truth, so it's best to act as if they "came before" your band; however, swear up + down you've never heard this band before. sure, your look, demeanor, sound bites, etc. are all remarkably similar to this band, but you've never heard them before. it doesn't matter; anything older than 5 mins. ago is for losers, anyway. except for punk. all hail iggy.
7. scoff at the suggestion of "selling out"
that stuff's for kids. nobody really believes that selling your music to the latest McG vehicle is "selling out, man." that attitude is for losers (and you, my friend, are a winner). yeah, the whole umbrella is called "indie rock," but that's just a marketing thing. indie rock is a good niche to tap into + cultivate your brand. musically, indie rock and pop aren't that different. it's all image. the unknowns who actually sang milli vanilli's "girl you know it's true" are "indie"; rob + fab are pop. you see what i'm saying here? pop has just been full of pretty faces and hard bodies, whereas indie rock has been full of zits and greasy hair. but musically, maybe a degree or two apart. indie rock journalists only care about hooks. if you can write poppy, catchy music, you're in. that's all that matters. see, no different from pop music. this is the most important thing to remember. soon adam brody will pimp your band out on his next conan appearance.
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