lol but serious too

dear april bowlby:

hi. marry me?

pros:

i'm a great listener
a hard worker
great guitar player
chivalrous
easy going for the most part
enjoy ankle-splitting walks on the beach
have a sexy voice
and have been told i'm excellent at oral sex
have excellent manners
i rarely let the bathroom get out of hand, dirt- and scum-wise
i also have a good fashion sense and never wear white socks to bed and/or during teh sez; hell, i rarely wear socks at all, let alone white ones

cons:

i've been known to have lazy spells
can be argumentative
depressed (but i try to hide it)

kthx

ps, we would have beautiful children together. just a thought.

kthxbye

pwned lol

"You think it's a no-brainer -- it's five buttons, it's really easy," Flores says. "But when you dig into the guts of the game, it's really very complicated. Trying to make the note timing feel right is very tricky."

totes. it takes pure skill and coolness to push those little plastic buttons on that little plastic guitar hero guitar. those real guitars-- w/ strings and frets and tuning and intonation and which require rhythm and creative acumen and calluses and hand coordination and notes and fancy stuff like that-- are fucking babies' toys.

i've been a fool, devoting most of my life to playing and making music. i'm not nearly as cool and talented as guitar hero players. like these guys:



via wired.

dear glenn beck:

if i ever meet you, i promise you, i will hand you your fucking ass. i would happily serve jail time for beating your pathetic, lilly-livered, privileged bitchface into the ground. in fact i'd turn myself in and wear that distinction as the badge of honor that it is. and no, i'm not joking.

on that note, today sucked. the farmers' market is held every wednesday and today (technically yesterday) was no exception, but it was a decidedly lesser affair. two vendors were absent on account of road closures and foot traffic was noticeably lower than normal. that thick, stagnant cloud of dark smoke blanketed the land all day, complete w/ a steady slow drizzle of ash and that creepy glow of orange light that coats us like an amber shellac. the stink of burning matter is becoming so commonplace we hardly notice it anymore; it's only that vague reserve of memory and the clenching in our throats that tells us this stench is most definitely not as right as rain. we went from hurricane-force winds to a dead fucking calm. and now this acrid, smoldering, claustrophobic canopy envelopes us.

juan, a kid in his early teens who works for one of the vendors, pointed to the moon and asked me, "is that normal?" inquiring about the piercing, martian hue the moon has been veiled in. "it's cuz of the smoke," i said.
"oh."
"why? you scared?" i joked.
"heh. a little."

the matter of time

this guy, john ziegler, is, objectively, the biggest douchebag in los angeles. i fucking h a t e this guy. three days into this wildfire calamity and he's already turned his radio show on super-right-wing KFI into a fucking partisan wasteland for his right-wing ideology. i've been listening to KFI since sunday b/c they've had full, pre-emptive coverage, and all of their local hosts have kept it blessedly ideology-free, save for this asshole who turned it into a "democrat this," "liberal that," blah blah and even somehow managed to throw in a few remarks about how californians are "better" than "those people" in new orleans b/c of how we've handled this. never mind that the two disasters are very different, under very different circumstances, etc.

ziegler was the subject of an elaborate* piece by david foster wallace for the atlantic monthly entitled "host." typical of wallace, not much in respect to psychology was explored, which is unfortunate, b/c ziegler is an absolute narcissist, dripping w/ contempt for his audience, for people in general, and especially for anyone who dares disagree w/ his absurd political ideology. i was looking forward to wallace dismantling ziegler, but alas, it never happened.

ziegler has been fired from three previous radio stations. the first two terminations were over racial jokes about black celebrities (i guess b/c racial jokes about white celebrities are boring?) and the third b/c he was chuckleheaded enough to make comments about a woman's (whom he happened to be dating at the time) physical characteristics. of course, b/c john ziegler is a right-wing talk radio show host, he is incapable of taking any responsibility for his actions. when it comes to liberals, women, minorities, homos, etc., it's all about the lack of personal responsibility amongst these types, but if you are a right-wing talk show host, you're somehow above such pedestrian strictures. it wasn't john ziegler who was to blame for getting john ziegler fired--three times!-- it was political correctness! yes. political correctness. 2007 and people are still blaming political correctness for everything that's wrong in society. if you get fired from three separate places of employment, i dunno, is the problem maybe you? maybe? not when it comes to john ziegler. b/c, you see, john ziegler is the real victim here. sure, minorities and women and liberals and whoever else like to act as if they're the victims, but it's really joe everymen like john ziegler who are constantly being short-changed. he's a talk show host employed by clear channel. on a flagship station. after being fired three times. for being a douche. he's sitting pretty. in los angeles. after being fired three times.

i mean, it's obvious who the victim is here. right?

oh yeah, ziegler is a racist fuckface, as well. last week he launched a semi-defense of james watson's comments that black people are intellectually inferior to white people. ziegler decried watson's more obvious proclamations, but he then went on to say that agree w/ watson re: africa not being as evolved as other continents or something like that. never mind that evolutionary biologists have completely dismissed watson's comments whole cloth as being the bona fide racist swill that they are. ziegler at least half agrees w/ the man.

it's no surprise, i guess, that ziegler waited all of one day before using these fires as a springboard for reasons #569-76 of why liberals are scumbags. it's just that, jesus, all the other right-wing hosts on KFI, who are doubtlessly strident in their douchery, have somehow managed to avoid making this a partisan issue thus far. in a sea of assholes, it takes a certain charm to stand out. cheers to you, mr. ziegler.

*yes, i know the adjective is redundant when discussing wallace, but it's there anyway.

500,000

awesome: fema is on the way. i don't know about you, but i'd welcome the return of the santa anas before i'd welcome fema. i mean, what are they going to do? stand around and be incompetent? that's what we need.

the fire down the street, known as the santiago fire, got worse today as a spot fire just sort of up and erupted. sunday night was a little hairy: we watched the flames burn their way across the foothills, north to south, as the winds kicked up a choking amount of dust and ash. didn't sleep much that night, mostly b/c the fire broke out about 30 mins. before sunset, crews were already stretched thin from the malibu and canyon country fires, little was known about the fire, and the conditions just seemed to deteriorate by the hour. things seemed to get a little better yesterday, as 30% containment was announced, but the fire kept spreading south and more and more communities were being evacuated. today, that spot fire caused a ruckus and the first in a series of homes in this fire were lost. b/c of this, the media attention ramped up and we finally got some aircraft relief. frankly, b/c of the lack of house fires, orange county has received little outside help; it's to be expected, especially considering the status of san diego, but still, if you live here, it sucks. it took an unfortunate turn of events for aid to get ramped up here.

speaking of san diego. shit. they're being eaten alive down there. last i heard, a half million people in california have been evacuated.

things are actually looking a lot better outside my window. what a difference aircraft makes. there's been a sizable plume of dark smoke just sitting there all day, accompanied by an eerie amber glow in the sky and raining ash, but now it's dissipated quite a bit (i had the day off, so i've just been chilling at the house). one good thing is that the santa anas have finally settled the fuck down. i usually like the santa anas, how they clean the atmosphere out and bring out the glory of this landscape, but this was ridiculous. i've never seen santa anas this intense, which was the general consensus at work yesterday, as well. i knew it was bad sunday morning when the mountains and foothills were obscured by dust. then i heard about malibu, canyon country, and santiago, and things just got worse by the hour. sunday will go down in infamy around here. shit, even yesterday. there is so much superstitious bullshit surrounding the santa anas-- that they bring out some sort of collective insanity, that they're the cause of all sorts of inexplicable preternaturalism, that they can even cause earthquakes-- but shit, yesterday seemed to bore this silliness out. my boss and i ran some errands around lunchtime and people were acing like they had done lost their fucking minds. erratic driving, on-the-corner proselytizing, general freakery, and a palpable tension, etc., all set against a backdrop of clobbering winds, dark walls of smoke, and a slow burning in your lungs. it was like a goddamned lynchian dreamscape by way of jodorowsky. today was no less weird, particularly w/ this amber glow hanging in the sky, and it was damned hot. i checked the temperature: 99 fucking degrees. in late october. yes, this is southern california, but shit, 99 fucking degrees w/ 8% humidity? we've somehow managed to find ourselves inside a furnace.

without a doubt, this is the most significant wildfire i've ever seen. i was born and raised here and nothing in the recesses of my memory can touch this. not even the laguna hills fire that went down when i was in junior high. i even noticed a few neighbors packing up and leaving. prompted me to make a half-assed plan myself; fortunately, i've not yet had to implement it.

btw, posted a few pix at teh flickr (i love how you don't have to lolify "flickr").

shit

shit, the power went out for a minute. it got a lot worse in a really short amount of time. my brother just called and said a friend of his about a mile from here was evacuated.

things working against us in this scenario: very strong, erratic winds; rapidly worsening conditions; and the real possibility that embers can be spread far and wide.

in the very least this area will be covered in ash come daylight.

holy fucking shit

so i look out the window and i see a massive plume of very dark smoke billowing like the wrath of god himself. this picture is jack shit compared to looking out the window and seeing this maybe a mile or so away. i can see the flames from my bathroom window, but it's too dark now to get it on camera. fuck.

every day is like caturday \m/ lol \m/

some crazy finn (redundant?) on youtube, st. sanders, takes youtube vids of shredders shredding and dubs this hilariously awful, inept noodling over it, complete w/ goofy clapping, muted grunts, and frantic drum machining. after the initial loling, you have to marvel at his editing skills. st. must be an at least decent player himself to know exactly just how to fuck up and insert spot-on, absurd references (e.g., on the video he dubbed for eric clapton, he throws in metallica's "enter sandman" just at the right moment and long enough not to belabor the point). maybe this kind of shit isn't totally lolrus to the non-guitar-playing contingent, but shit, you get the point, especially if you've ever known a crappy guitar player who takes himself seriously; and/or, if you've ever walked into a guitar center.

one of my favorite dubs is the one he did of jake e. lee soling during a gig w/ ozzy and ozzy's totally ridiculous, coke-fueled clapping. christ, i haven't laughed this hard since grandpa tickled me. ozzy totally comes off like yr crazy, drunk-ass uncle who goes apeshit over yr "genius" guitar skills at that family reunion when you're 15 and three degrees away from having a hormone-induced nervous breakdown after being muscled into performing in front of yr motley crew of equally drunk, but nowhere near as thrilled, relatives. an antagonistic applauding: "CLAP, motherfuckers, CLAP!" not that i'd know jack shit about such a scenario.

jake e. lee:



im on ur stage
skuanderin ur hardurned deniro!
CLAPPIN LIEK A CRACKHEZ

marty friedman:



im in ur guitar center
sittin on ur stoo, playin ur anp, inpressin ur girl, murderin ur spirit

st.'s crowning achievement:



im on ur landmine
loosin ur limbz, freekin ur mind

the editing in this one is amazing. this shit is a fucking work of art. shit, i gotta get a drum machine.

this is what you get

um, ew. van halen totally, completely out of tune playing "jump." i don't understand why father and son didn't just transpose? and holy crap, the solo is nails on a fucking chalkboard. or why not just have a live keyboard player? for crissake, who's the tech!? at least roth twirls an impressive baton.

you know what's even more curious, though? i've seen another clip of them playing "jump" on this tour and the keys are sharp there, too. what gives? you would deduce that it's father and son who are out of tune, but the keys definitely sound sharp to me.

do you see what happens, eddie? do you see what happens? do you see what happens when you fuck yr original bass player in the ass, eddie? do you see what happens?

what? no stupid corporations? oh, that's right-- corporation = $$gooood$$

reason tv, offshoot of reason online, is teaming up w/ drew carey to fight "stupid stuff." quoth carey:

"We need Reason to help fight the stupid drug laws, the stupid immigration laws and stupid big government in general."

indeed. props to reason for lassoing in a sharp, relevant public figure such as drew carey. that'll help the libertarian powerhaus' credibility, totally. who's next? david brenner*? we can only hope.


*"who the fuck is david brenner?" you ask. precisely.

m.i.a. "paper planes"

i'm not really one to get caught up in celeb worship. i've been in hollywood a shitload of times and have probably come across a few celebs, but i don't know for sure, simply b/c i don't give a shit. but goddamn what i would give to hang out/make out w/ m.i.a. there is a limited number of people in this world as talented, cool, and hot as she is, am i right or am i right? in other words, if i ever actually met her, i'd probably just stand there like a retard before blurting, "holy shit, you have a pretty mouth!" here's a mock-up still image video of m.i.a.'s "paper planes." her best song yet?



shit, this song is crazy good. almost inconceivable how good it is.

"WTF is this!? RAP!!!??!??!"

my relationship w/ tool is a precarious one, b/c on one hand, i sort of like them, but on the other, they bore the tits off me. and i say this as someone who's an avid admirer of miles davis' late '60s/early '70s 30-minute-long excursions into funk drenched, proto-fusion-metal (seriously, "rated x" is heavier than anything black sabbath's ever done)-- so don't think i can't appreciate long tracks, b/c i do; in fact, i prefer songs to be over 8:00 mins. i want to feel as if i've gotten my money's worth, or that i've at least spent quality time downloading (not illegally, b/c i would never do that-- ever). it's just that tool has turned into the pink floyd of metal, which, really, isn't a good thing. don't get me wrong-- i love a lot of their stuff, but the majority of that shit is off their first two albums. they've been in a rut for the past ten years, which, i guess, is why metalheads like them so much (metalheads being the notoriously conservative and drab lot that they are, although nowhere near as conservative and predictable as punk rockers). but maynard went and did something i thought was impossible: he made an album a million times more boring than lateralus-- a perfect circle's 13th step. so it was at that point, somewhere in the early aughties, that my interest in all things tool quietly died, my love for the first two albums heartily withstanding. but con sarnit if maynard didn't go and totally redeem hisself and make something of interest w/ "side project #2," puscifer.

exhibit #1:



"queen b.," aka, "the sound of midwestern metalheads freaking the fuck out cuz maynard went all gay and country disco!!!1 and wtf kinda name is gaynard anyway? whatever happened to good old fashioned names like DAVE and RICHARD?"

typically, the humor is totally lost on the audience. how can you not find the ironic humor in "this lovely lady's got the thickness/can i get a witness?"? oh, that's right: you can be a metalhead.

and here's a commercial for puscifer's album, v is for vagina, aka, exhibit #2:



holy fuck, it's like maynard, mike patton, and jim goad got together and smacked out a mean collab before smacking out each other. consider me stoked. now, if maynard would just leave those old dinosaurs in tool.

linked from metalsucks, aka, metalheadsarehumorlessumtools.com.

goth of love

radar, the coolest magazine out there, has an interview w/ my favorite vocalist eva, sioux.

some snippets:

on this lame business of high-fasion rock star decadence:

What do you make of the modern rock star look in the era of the stylist? You managed to pull yourself together quite well in your day. They aren't exciting, are they? It's because the same high-priced stylist does all of them! I don't need one, thanks. It makes me feel cheated because I want to see what that personality would choose to wear, how they'd do their hair. They all have the uniform look with none of the attitude. It's a little Stepford Pop Star out there.

on ashlee simpson:

Who is Ashlee Simpson?

on ashlee's musical soulmate, that tubby embarrassment/parody robert smith:

. . . I mean, darling, really, do you own a mirror?

and gosh, interpol, lcd soundsystem, the white stripes, the yeah yeah yeahs, the klaxons, the rapture, etc. must all be breathing a sigh of relief b/c you could never apply the following to them, could you?

There's way too much retrospective going on all over the place. Stop looking backwards. Remakes of films, like The Omen and Halloween. Have you really run out of ideas? Imagination costs nothing. It's free and anyone can do it. It's the same with having someone style you. I mean, use your bloody head. That's the fun of it!

and finally:

. . . Would you wanna do Goth of Love?
Ewww, God, no!

shit, foiled again! i'd dress up in facepaint and brave a room full of obnoxious peter murphy wannabes just to have a night w/ sioux. wouldn't you? she only has one of the best voices in recorded music and is surly as hell-- what's not to love?

OMG you guys new zune tomorrow

huh? what's a zune? yeah, exactly.









to make this post cool, here are some pictures of my ipod touch. i lucked out and got one w/ a proper screen, although that whole "defective screen" thing turned out to be a lot of racket over what was basically a firmware problem.







i need to get a new camera.

got the zune picture from gizmodo, etc.

"lost the kids, LOL"

i wonder if the unitards at popsugar.com will find a way to apologize for their messiah's obvious indifference toward losing her "little ones." some gibberish about making another comeback, how great she used to be, etc., etc.

got this picture from dlisted. michael k said that britney was "placing her meth order on that blackberry," but this is impossible b/c meth causes one to lose weight, not gain it. sorry. i know that was below the gut, but i have little sympathy for this person.