sooooooooooooo, saw kingdom of the crystal lulz on thursday . . .

and, um, yeah.

er. wow.

at least temple of doom will now be regarded as the second-worst of the series. also, temple's got that heart-extracting scene that sort of makes up for its deficits. but this one? well, this one's got . . . um . . . it's got . . . uhhh . . . cate blanchett looking rather hot and sexy in her tight soviet outfit and snazzy anna wintour-esque page-boy haircut.

and.

um.

well . . .

a lot of people worked on it? it gave a lot of people a big gig to work on. so that's good for the economy. oh, if you love awful cgi (wait, is that redundant?), then you will absolutely love indiana jones and the kingdom yadda yadda. and if you thought the horrid cornball/cheese/shit/retard factor of the star wars prequels got a bad rap, you will totally love indy 4. gratingly cute, soon-to-be-infamous monkey scene? check. wholly improbable sword fighting that takes place on speeding automobiles? check. cloying references to the previous installments? check. car-motorcycle chase scene that could've been cool but instead just has to be cute? check. h o r r i d lucas-like dialogue? without a fucking doubt, pal.

how hard can it fucking be, lucas? how fucking hard? you had a wildly successful, established franchise that you chose to revisit and you could've made something awesome w/ a rabidly devoted fanbase, but no. no. and listen, i'm not even a big indiana jones fan. they're fun movies, sure, but i don't own any of the movies and i wasn't at all champing at the bit for this to come out and even i feel burned by this. i just don't understand it and the only reason i can accept is that lucas, you are middle-aged, you are extremely wealthy, and thus you have nothing to prove anymore. creativity is a young man's game and by most people's standards, you lost the plot decades ago but frankly, as far as i'm concerned, you never had it begin with. stop writing and start producing exclusively. you're a money man and you see the world in numbers. emotions don't factor into your view of the world, which is why any attempts at emotion in your movies come off as embarrassingly garish and grotesque. leave the attempts at art to the artists. hell, leave the attempts at entertainment to the entertainers.