snap!

did you know there's a fucking pain index!? check it-- the schmidt sting pain index. it's a "pain scale rating the relative pain caused by different Hymenopteran stings" (hymenopteran are ants, wasps, and shit like that).

but check out the scale:

• 1.0 Sweat bee: Light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
• 1.2 Fire ant: Sharp, sudden, mildly alarming. Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch.
• 1.8 Bullhorn acacia ant: A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain. Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.
• 2.0 Bald-faced hornet: Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.
• 2.0 Yellowjacket: Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.
• 2.x Honey bee and European hornet: Like a matchhead that flips off and burns on your skin.
• 3.0 Red harvester ant: Bold and unrelenting. Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail.
• 3.0 Paper wasp: Caustic & burning. Distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of Hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
• 4.0 Pepsis wasp: Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath (if you get stung by one you might as well lie down and scream).
• 4.0+ Bullet ant: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch nail in your heel

bullet ants are out-of-control crazy. they're like an inch long and will cause a green beret to quiver like a babe. i love the description of the pepsis wasp* sting: "blinding, fierce, shockingly electric." or the red harvester ant: "someone using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail." yum. but i think my favorite is the yellowjacket: "hot and smoky." oooh, sounds like a slow-cooked sausage.

you can go ahead and thank me for not making a joke about the ultimate level of pain being "chuck norris," described as, "more painful than watching christ himself backhand your mother like a snaggle-toothed hooker."

*these maniacs eat tarantulas! ain't that some shit? a wasp that eats tarantulas. nature is some fucked up shit.